It’s been awhile since I had insomnia, maybe I’ve been trouble-free or as some would call it, happy. I’m happy, well a lot happier than I’ve been in awhile, it’s just that the hormones have kicked in, so basically I’m depressed for almost no reason at all…Jesus it’s hard being a woman!So it’s when your lying in bed with nothing but your hormonally biased thoughts that you really think about your life and wonder if your heading in the right direction, all aspects of your life; my fuck-ups and comparatively very few achievements, is my school work the best it could be?
of course not, I’m always too busy dealing with one thing or other to care too much about that, I’ve never really been one for school, even when I love what I do, I get bored, restless, and the routine drives me crazy, eventually almost indifferent, unless there’s a motivational factor, dunno what that would have to be right now, something out of this world to get me out of this slump…
Then I think about my past mistakes, the screw ups are so many, I look back at the men I’ve dated, it’s distressing; I say with assurance that I am not the problem, it’s almost never me, it’s not my fault it doesn’t work out when you tell me your in love with me on the third day and expect me not to freak out, or you took eight months to decide that maybe then you could ask me out, you can’t blame me for moving on, shouldn’t have taken eight months to walk, should have been three, but hey we learn each time don’t we?
Can’t believe I obsessed so much over Dimple though, feel like crying for myself, looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see his psychosis, if we were pals, I’d refer him to a great therapist who’s been known to work wonders on special cases such as his that other psychiatrists would throw their hands up in defeat for.. Gawsh how does it happen that I thought a deranged psych case was the man of my dreams? I must really start going to church more often…
I’m starting to feel like I’m mopping instead of writing but I guess since this is my blog, my writing space, I can write whatever the hell I dim important at this moment, right now I’m just glad I’m writing again, it was touch and go for a couple of weeks…scary
I’ve met someone that I’m starting to care for, given my track record I should be on a pretty neutral gear here but this is me, my head says one thing, my heart rules with a stronger mind of it’s own, we’re so alike and somehow still so different its chilling, not going to jinx this one with too much talk of my immediate feelings, one thing I learned from Dimple, don’t pay too much attention to your emotions, I need to learn how not to spin my world around a person and be maintain my own person through all this light-headed giddiness.
It’s the wee hours of the morning, I should be up in three and a half hours, I’m so screwed, but now that I’ve done what I know best I guess my mind can finally set me free
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