whimsical early morning musings

It’s 4:51 am, I can’t sleep, been awhile since my last bout with insomnia, this time I can’t even diagnose what the reason could be, except that I’ve been having this recent dependence on caffeine, not the soft, coffee kind of caffeine, the harder more ruthless redbull kind of caffeine; guess I needed to fill a gap in my life, maybe turning to something that could lead to a dependence has been my way of coping with recent instabilities…the headaches are close to the worst I’ve ever had, starts with a searing pain through my eyes, followed by a heavy throbbing between my ears, right through to my forehead. It is so bad it blurs my sight and painkillers just take the edge off the pain, leaving behind the dull ache that is possibly causing my insomnia, dammit! Why does this always happen on days when I should be up within a few hours?!




ION, I still haven’t gotten used to my boyfriend’s absence, well it has gotten easier since he kept his promise to communicate, but I still miss him terribly, Saturday I wished the world would just end, would it really be a worse feeling than what I was feeling then seated there watching happy couples with no worries in the world, drunk in each others love? Maybe the hundreds of hormones surging through my body had something to do with it…maybe that’s how I actually felt, we shall not dwell..Good thing I’m a freak for photos to capture every possible moment otherwise I’d have to depend on my not-so-good memory to recall our moments, maybe my mind would create a different guy with a different smile and different hair and when he finally comes through the door eager to see me I wouldn’t recognize my own boyfriend’s smile and arms and hair, gawsh it would be like meeting a hot stranger at my door, I’d forget my boyfriend and fall head over heels for this other guy and have a secret affair for years till one of us is caught then we'd have to die because the misery of living apart is just not worth it.




School started, it’s not half bad, I still play snakes and ladders and x and o’s when not thinking up fairy tales or writing down fantasies while occasionally answering the random question and looking over my neighbour’s shoulder for notes, the other neighbour not playing snakes and ladders with me but I still enjoy it. It’s nice seeing more than the usual three regular people in my life everyday, not that I talk much to anyone..when did I become such a loner? 
Growing up I was a social butterfly who loved making new friends and just living life. I’d talk to strangers on the bus, exchange numbers at coffee shops, smile at cute strangers on the street and wink back at the dude on the dirt bike cruising past me on the street, I’ve become this boring, old girl with a scowl on sunny, happy days and a smile on grey days…maybe global warming affects more than just the weather..