The Joys Life Constantly Dishes Out

I’m just loving life more and more with each freaking day! Screw happiness, some things were not meant for everyone, not everyone can be happy; lesson of the freaking year!



Is there really a point to loving someone if all they’re going to cost you is pain without measure? Are the tears worth it? So tired of crying..difference between Snuggles and Dimples (if that’s even the name I used in this blog, don’t care to check) is that I actually think Snuggles is worth it. He’s a noble man with issues, I’m a good girl with issues, what’s to stop us from being together? Plus we have that beauty spot at the exact same place on our necks and we both have strange feet



I don’t get why there should be pain so early in our relationship, at 5months un-officially and 4months one day officially we should still be in our honeymoon stage, did we even have that? Sigh!
We were never really friends and the very tiny optimistic, hopeful part of me sees this as an opportunity to become actual friends who don’t have sex, or something..sigh! My life sucks constantly, I dunno what I do to offend the universe, I mean I try not to litter and cause pollution of any kind and I think I’m a fairly good earthian citizen with a few exceptions, pretty sure the universe is not a perfectionist..maybe it’s just bad karma from something I did…either way I’m glad that snuggles is a good man, just sad at his issues. Just don’t want anyone else but him


Had a happier weekend than I anticipated, ok maybe happier should be substituted for drunker but nothing beats friends and alcohol when you’re depressed, nothing! maybe God, I wouldn’t know, I’m not the best at turning to spiritual nourishment when all I want is spirit-induced bliss.


Danced in the rain at blankets and wine, so cool. Its really strange how coincidentally we all had white clothes on, on the day it decides to pour for hours on end and your outdoors drunk and dancing, murphy’s law.
I find it a bit disturbing how I write so well when I’m sad; almost like depression releases the talent within, maybe that is the reason I was created a fairly dark person, raw inspiration, besides who wants to read happy stuff anyway?

The spot on the wall

So when I think about it, maybe the reason why I can’t always sleep is coz I don’t exercise enough, not every time, sometimes!! I exercise sometimes, I consider walking up the four flights of stairs to my sister’s house an invigorating work out; not to mention I go the extra mile and walk all the way to her house from mine (a ten minute walk) sometimes under the sweltering sun! Anyway I sleep best after sex, which is probably where I exert myself the most, shame on me!! My parents would blush in dismay at this confession but its true; I however intend to improve my living habits, this decision was solidified after a visit to my obgyn had me standing on the weighing scale and me reasoning in my shock at my weight that I had on really heavy shoes plus my jacket; those two must have added that extra 5 or so kgs…till I asked cuddles to guess my weight and he guessed just about right! Damn!! So I’ll take on a regimen, I cant talk about it just yet just in case I jinx my perfect 10 future body then I’ll sell it and make money to buy my new wardrobe, genius

I’m trying to stay calm with God running his humour all up in my life, for example, how could He just sit back and watch while the one person I manage to detest with greater vigour each passing day rents a house right above my parents rental? He must have giggled in anticipation while awaiting my reaction upon receiving the news; thanks a lot.

I’ve been feeling pretty miserable this last couple of days, not sure exactly what brings along these outbursts of hormones every other week, I’m not exaggerating; today i tried something different though, instead of sitting back and hating the world; kinda got tired of doing that after a whole week of brooding, I did some actual exercise and for the life of me i can’t recall what had me so worked up earlier, almost as good as retail therapy, just way way cheaper!

I have an 11.05 am class, if I don’t sleep now I’ll spend tomorrow hating the world and all its inhabitants, I do that, I let out my frustrations on poor, unsuspecting citizens just going about their day..

So I forgot how therapeutic writing was, especially at these hours of the night that I spend self pitying. I hate this damn miserable weather!! I hate my school more for not allowing me to be sexy and warm at the same time; pretty sure Christians in Jesus’ day wore short, sexy garments if they pleased, don’t remember Him making any rules on type of dress acceptable; nkt

my marred, random passing of the hours..

It’s been awhile since I had insomnia, maybe I’ve been trouble-free or as some would call it, happy. I’m happy, well a lot happier than I’ve been in awhile, it’s just that the hormones have kicked in, so basically I’m depressed for almost no reason at all…Jesus it’s hard being a woman!

So it’s when your lying in bed with nothing but your hormonally biased thoughts that you really think about your life and wonder if your heading in the right direction, all aspects of your life; my fuck-ups and comparatively very few achievements, is my school work the best it could be?
of course not, I’m always too busy dealing with one thing or other to care too much about that, I’ve never really been one for school, even when I love what I do, I get bored, restless, and the routine drives me crazy, eventually almost indifferent, unless there’s a motivational factor, dunno what that would have to be right now, something out of this world to get me out of this slump…

Then I think about my past mistakes, the screw ups are so many, I look back at the men I’ve dated, it’s distressing;  I say with assurance that I am not the problem, it’s almost never me, it’s not my fault it doesn’t work out when you tell me your in love with me on the third day and expect me not to freak out, or you took eight months to decide that maybe then you could ask me out, you can’t blame me for moving on, shouldn’t have taken eight months to walk, should have been three, but hey we learn each time don’t we?

Can’t believe I obsessed so much over Dimple though, feel like crying for myself, looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see his psychosis, if we were pals, I’d refer him to a great therapist who’s been known to work wonders on special cases such as his that other psychiatrists would throw their hands up in defeat for.. Gawsh how does it happen that I thought a deranged psych case was the man of my dreams? I must really start going to church more often…

I’m starting to feel like I’m mopping instead of writing but I guess since this is my blog, my writing space, I can write  whatever the hell I dim important at this moment, right now I’m just glad I’m writing again, it was touch and go for a couple of weeks…scary

I’ve met someone that I’m starting to care for, given my track record I should be on a pretty neutral gear here but this is me, my head says one thing, my heart rules with a stronger mind of it’s own, we’re so alike and somehow still so different its chilling, not going to jinx this one with too much talk of my immediate feelings, one thing I learned from Dimple, don’t pay too much attention to your emotions, I need to learn how not to spin my world around a person and be maintain my own person through all this light-headed giddiness.

It’s the wee hours of the morning, I should be up in three and a half hours, I’m so screwed, but now that I’ve done what I know best I guess my mind can finally set me free

Scarves and Sweaters

Jesus or King David, through Jesus knew what they were saying when they said life is a circle; my life is a circle, things always turn out the same damned way every fuckin time!!


 Predictable is good mostly but not when your cycle of men goes like this; meet a guy, think he's cool, funny and awesome, have wild amazing sex, fall in love, while you think you're in love you go out of your way to make him happy and get crazy every time you think your losing him, then you realize that maybe you are losing him so you go through the dejection phase where all you want to do is die, or at least hibernate for like two months ( that's about the time it takes for you to find another awesome, funny, cool guy with out-of-this world sex). 


Then the two months of anger and hurt end and then you look for a sweet innocent boy to torture in about the same way you feel you were tortured and leave him without looking back…every once in a while you decide that perhaps you deserve better so you try out the nice guys who adore you and treat you like a princess, problem is, most of them come with mediocre to horribly monotonous sex and in a couple of weeks your bored out of your mind. 


But it's still predictable, which shouldn't be that bad, now I see five steps ahead the minute I meet an awesome guy and take it like a woman!! No more surprises



Anyway, so lately I've been thinking I just might have met the man who's going to fall madly in love with me and marry me. All the signs point to him being the man I'm ready to settle down with, only one teeny hitch, he doesn't know it yet. That's fine, if this is going to be true love, I have to be patient, let cupid work up his arrows, he might need to sharpen his aim a bit, this particular guy is blind as a bat. Annoying as hell but what can we do but wait.



I just hope one day when we're all drunk I don't profess my undying love and intentions to him, eternally embarrassing myself. Jumping his bones is one thing, flushing my dignity down the drain by swearing I will always love him, he's the man of my dreams, I swear not to ever hurt him if he could just love me back between tequila shots is a totally different thing. I'd move to another town or country, change my number and last name and get married to the first guy who proposed, give him lots of kids and knit sweaters and scarves for the rest of my life.



Maybe I'm being slightly dramatic here; no actually I'm not, far from it.

Three years from now if I come across this article I hope I'll shake my head in wonder at how much I could see into the future, I'm a big believer in fate, almost never believe in coincidences, everything that happens does so for a reason, recent events in my life had better be fate rather than coincidence. Three years from now I'll be engaged to Dimple and planning a white picket fence life with three dimpled kids with my good sense of optimism and his humour.

Call me a dreamer but it’s us guys who get what we dream about, sometimes all we can do is dream and wait our turn. And one day down the road my story will run something like this;

A little ways down the road…a lonely but awesome girl awaited her prince to ride across the woods and sweep her off her feet for she grew weary of the country folk and the plain demure. Her prince had nothing unadorned about him, he was elaborate and exciting and he could do the coolest things with his sword and shield yet he could not be compared to the cocky village men who asked for her hand in marriage. She knew her hand belonged to just one man, but where was he?

Then, one even lonelier day, exhausted by the country folk and their talk on how she would die a lonely, old maid, she sat at the entrance of the woods and wept for her life was turning out to be long and miserable. She disliked being the talk of the town.

Just as she was getting dehydration from all the tears and no water for the stream was a long way down the path into the woods, she heard the familiar sound of hooves beating on the soft forest floor coming steadily in her direction. She looked up, and by golly the most handsome man, riding towards her. “Gasp!” Her heart skipped a beat and then another as he reached down from his horse and held out his hand for her.

She looked right into his deep brown eyes, her tear stained face suddenly bright and hopeful, took his hand and they rode off into the sunset….

 

Thoughts

Do you sometimes in a rare flashback moment want to go back to your ex and list to him all the messed up things he did that you couldn't stand and never told him before? I've just had one of those moments, and for a split second, ok maybe a couple more seconds, I wanted to go back and scream, "I hated it when you ordered me around and told me who I can and can't talk to, hold hands with or pick calls from, I'd kill you now if you ever pulled me away from a friend I haven't seen in months coz you want my attention and hit you back if you hit me!" I feel slightly better writing it, wish I had the lady balls to pull that off, for now, I'll just have to contend with doing it in my head.


It's raining, been a while since it rained, of course I'm not home, curled up with a good book under a duvet, I'm never that lucky. Sigh! Just seen this on a sight I love to visit, "hi, remember me? You used to smile when you saw me, hug me for no reason, talk to me without any conditions and love me for who I was. Miss that." Glad to know there are a coupla of depressed people out there, we should throw a party, get crazy wasted and ban everyone from showing sad emotion, everything but emotion. No rules, just alcohol, drugs and fun.



Shakespeare wrote;



"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing."

Shakespeare is so bloody depressing!!


Went to church today, was trying to come to peace with some of the crap chicken legs has been putting me through; I mean we're relatives who live together, rarely see each other and barely talk, how he still manages to be such an ass is beyond me. Anyway, I went to church, sang fun, involving songs at praise, connected with God at worship and wrote comprehensive notes during the sermon, went for the alter call when they said they want to pray for those of us with trouble forgiving, almost got saved for the 7^th time and still after that awesome service, I still want to go Tz and look for a witchdoctor to kill him. A slow, painful, miserable death that will have him begging for his end long before it comes, years hopefully, ten long ones if I'm lucky. Nkt! It should worry me that I actually mean every single word I've just typed down…it doesn't.



I seat at my desk pondering on the complexities of youth, I fail to be objective, keep using my own damn scenerios to make my judgments.
So much for promising myself to stay positive and happy this week. It's Monday morning and I want to destroy everything in my way, *sigh!* another week of my increasingly perfect fake smile.



Read my horoscope today, well started reading it, it went something like this, "Every once in a while we all need something or someone to support or reassure us, Cancer, and today your support is likely to come from an unexpected source…blah blah" are these guys even serious? Do they completely rely on the aspect of coincidence? That maybe out of the hundred thousand cancers in the world, at least two should identify with their wise words of the day? Nkt! Maybe I should take turning to the Lord seriously…everything else is turning to be quite hopeless.

It’s times like this…

It's a starry night; my head is stuck in the clouds, I don't want to come down, the view is amazing. 


The dark midnight skies; the stars right ahead of me, surrounding me, lighting up the whole sky, a serene, quiet light filling all the pockets of darkness around me. I don't want to have to come back to earth, here where I am, no one can touch me, nothing could possibly go wrong, it's quiet, the sky around me emitting a tranquil glow. Here everything goes my way, we laugh when nothing is funny, up here it's just me and you, no earthly poisons working at destroying us, just me and you and the magic between me and you. Up here we have no rules, we rule the world, nothing but our love matters, so long as the stars shine when they do and the moon follows its cue and the shooting stars remain just that; all we do is laugh and dance and walk through the times.


 It's beautiful here, we have the world at our feet, you walk I follow, you hold out your hand in between clouds, there's laughter in your eyes, the pain is replaced by contentment, the hard lines on your forehead soften to distant creases representing the faraway times light years ago. All pretenses forsaken, this is how it should be, an imperfect peaceful joy. This is where I want to hang out, please don't make me come down!! No!!




Reality, that's just cold.





Ok, I'm back. There are no stars, it's a dark night with a slice of crescent, reminds me of those nights that creatures of the night prey on silly travelers of the night, where on earth would anyone possibly be headed at this hour anyway? There is no gentle breeze it's still and clammy. Watching reruns of Glee and wishing I could sing like they can. I'd sing through my days, annoy the hell out of everyone around me. I'd sing instead of talk, get everyone jealous, possibly why God chose to give me a quiet gift instead. He considered His creations' sanity, perhaps His too.



This week I made a promise to myself that I'd start praying, try make it habit and not think of God as this Huge guy seated somewhere within the sky looking down at me, shaking His head at me with a permanent frown coz I never seem to do anything right, not anything that matters to Him anyway, doubt He cares much about my diet plans, my baby project blog or the 27 out of 30 I got in my marketing paper or my new goal to quit cursing like a sailor.



So here I go, Thursday morning, ok almost morning, my prayer before I sleep;



How's it going Lord,

I know I promised to talk to You more often but I also asked you to make me a more positive and influential person, so far nothing has changed. Still pessimistic ol' lady U. so I guess we're kinda even. But since we can't keep playing the silent game, I will be the bigger person here. So far my week has not gone without incidence, thank you for that Lord, You know I can't live a drama-free life, what would be the point of living? Also, Lord, thank you for the constant heat and blue skies though it wouldn't hurt if every two days you gave us less sun, more cool weather, and not a storm Lord, You have a tendency to do stuff on the extremes like that downpour You gave us on valentines. I don't mean to sound selfish or anything, but why would you choose my most miserable day, couple it with the fact that I forgot my sweater and umbrella home, get rid of all the vendors near school who sell umbrellas then introduce into us a storm so heavy and long!? That wasn't fair, my hair almost didn't recover.



Anyway Lord, I'm thankful for your presence in my life, however silent you sometimes go, I have this feeling that a lot of things could have gone wrong on so many incidences but you saw me through. I have a lot to thank you for. Thank you for the times I laugh, the courage to cry, the anger you help me mask so well and the lessons You've taken me through and helped me learn. Your really patient, I tend to forget my lessons then you have to remind me, though Lord, sometimes I think You get carried away with me, looking back, you accorded me some really bitter pills. I don't think all five of them were necessary, but I guess you're God, you know best. I think I've learnt my lessons though, just a suggestion.



Ok, on to things I want, please let me make it through this semester without any mishaps, it's the busiest I've had, the work load is starting to get frustrating and my patience levels are dangerously low. If I don't graduate next year I'll be the laughing stock of all my peers. I think we both agree my ego can't take yet another blow. That's all I want for now, well, since you're Lord, you could go through my heart and fish out the other wishes I'm modestly storing away..there should be one or two tucked in there somewhere.

As I sleep, all I ask for is a deep, dreamless sleep, honestly dreams are over rated, mess my sleep patterns, after the dramatic end, I wake up and it's always too early and I'm exhausted.
Amen.


 

It's Sunday Again?!!

Before I met Dimple, I thought my life was really messed up, (I use thought because if I knew then what I know now, I'd have slapped myself for being unappreciative)!!




It was a random Friday evening, I was miserable, hanging out with P and wondering where my life was headed, I was getting convinced we were driving straight into the pits.




I called my girl Angy up, she's the only one who gets me out of my deepest, darkest moments and asked her if I could see her. She said we do a sleepover and I didn't have the strength to suggest anything better. So I rushed home, got an overnight bag and went to meet her. my mood was nasty, she was in a bar and I thought, "Great! perfect night to third wheel her and Big T."




That evening, I met Dimple, he made me laugh all night, and for the first time in days, I completely forgot about all my shit and relaxed and let myself not think through all my crappy life's decisions. We hit it off, he was so easy to talk to, relate to and listen to. It was fun!! I knew that I wanted this guy in my life, not short term, no way short term!!


Do all good things come to an end? Like dreams? Or do good things happen to those who wait? I'm getting slightly confused by all the wise sayings the English language has flying around. I just want to be happy, is that too hard to ask?!!


Some clearly messed up guy once said "Hope is the worst of evils for it prolongs the hurt of men." How encouraging that I had to see that today of all perfectly miserable days.






I thought my life was a mess till I listened to his, I wanted to cry for all the heartache he'd gone through and be there for him, show him that not all women take for granted such beautiful men. I wanted to go to wherever the hell she was and bitch slap her for dragging a perfectly good man through the mud and messing him up for us perfectly good girls too strong to be messed up by our past men.






Is there a romance story out there that has this clause in it? That would be all the encouraging I'd need, maybe I should google "romance stories that start with a guy messed up by another woman", but I cant risk there not being any results. 






If I walk now, I save myself months or (God forbid) years of tears and competing with the memory of the bitch who he loved who messed him up; but I may walk out on a good thing that could have been solved by a little patience and space. 


An incredible thing that could finally fix my increasingly jaded view of love forever, if that even exists. 




The cloudy days are getting longer and less far in-between, I grow weary.

I didn't bother with church today, it would have helped by now if it was going to, right? So I went out yesterday, got nice and wasted, danced like I was on some steroid and....well my memory stops after the first two hours..Angy will fill me in..




I woke up at about half noon to my cousin giving me a strange look. Apparently, yes I maintain apparently despite the irrevocable prove, I got home, somehow, no recollection of that either I'm afraid, and one by one took off all my clothes, leaving a trail from the kitchen door to just beside my bed. 


Yup I was snoring in bed stark naked and I'd kicked off my duvet. Sigh! Death would have been easier than hearing her narrate to all and sundry how she woke up to follow my trail of clothes to the kitchen on her way to get breakfast.


 I refuse to be humiliated!! things could have been so much worse! So much..I have to keep repeating that. 




Writing has always been my therapy, my first love, so why isn't it helping now?
Oh it has helped me see a few things I keep missing; if you think your life is a mess now, it could be way more messier, don't sweat it too much..


I pray that one day I read this post and laugh at how unnecessarily stressed out I was coz I'll be happy.