Thoughts

Do you sometimes in a rare flashback moment want to go back to your ex and list to him all the messed up things he did that you couldn't stand and never told him before? I've just had one of those moments, and for a split second, ok maybe a couple more seconds, I wanted to go back and scream, "I hated it when you ordered me around and told me who I can and can't talk to, hold hands with or pick calls from, I'd kill you now if you ever pulled me away from a friend I haven't seen in months coz you want my attention and hit you back if you hit me!" I feel slightly better writing it, wish I had the lady balls to pull that off, for now, I'll just have to contend with doing it in my head.


It's raining, been a while since it rained, of course I'm not home, curled up with a good book under a duvet, I'm never that lucky. Sigh! Just seen this on a sight I love to visit, "hi, remember me? You used to smile when you saw me, hug me for no reason, talk to me without any conditions and love me for who I was. Miss that." Glad to know there are a coupla of depressed people out there, we should throw a party, get crazy wasted and ban everyone from showing sad emotion, everything but emotion. No rules, just alcohol, drugs and fun.



Shakespeare wrote;



"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing."

Shakespeare is so bloody depressing!!


Went to church today, was trying to come to peace with some of the crap chicken legs has been putting me through; I mean we're relatives who live together, rarely see each other and barely talk, how he still manages to be such an ass is beyond me. Anyway, I went to church, sang fun, involving songs at praise, connected with God at worship and wrote comprehensive notes during the sermon, went for the alter call when they said they want to pray for those of us with trouble forgiving, almost got saved for the 7^th time and still after that awesome service, I still want to go Tz and look for a witchdoctor to kill him. A slow, painful, miserable death that will have him begging for his end long before it comes, years hopefully, ten long ones if I'm lucky. Nkt! It should worry me that I actually mean every single word I've just typed down…it doesn't.



I seat at my desk pondering on the complexities of youth, I fail to be objective, keep using my own damn scenerios to make my judgments.
So much for promising myself to stay positive and happy this week. It's Monday morning and I want to destroy everything in my way, *sigh!* another week of my increasingly perfect fake smile.



Read my horoscope today, well started reading it, it went something like this, "Every once in a while we all need something or someone to support or reassure us, Cancer, and today your support is likely to come from an unexpected source…blah blah" are these guys even serious? Do they completely rely on the aspect of coincidence? That maybe out of the hundred thousand cancers in the world, at least two should identify with their wise words of the day? Nkt! Maybe I should take turning to the Lord seriously…everything else is turning to be quite hopeless.