Dear Kwazi

Dear Kwazi,


I can't believe I was ever with you, worse, I can't believe I cried over and over because of some stupid, selfish, idiotic move that you pulled every now and then. What the hell was I doing liking you in the first place? Am I attracted to guys who treat me like crap? No, I know I should be treated like a princess; you were just one of my mistakes. How did that even happen? 

Nothing about you was what I was looking for, every time I wrote down pros and cons on you the cons always outweighed the pros…significantly!



Well, not everything was all bad, the sex was pretty good, wish that could constitute into a relationship. You had no romantic bone in you, you scream at me, took me for granted, ignored me, flirted with girls I would pass on the streets, left me out in the cold so many times and I forgave you, even when you poured your beer on me and hit me. Jesus! what the hell had possessed me?! No way that's love, no damn way!!!



Even your best friend looked at me constantly with eyes that seemed to ask, "What the hell are you doing with this nigger?" sigh! I don't see how that could have happened for a reason. It was drama and crap I could have done without.



Remember when I came all the way to your house from mine, across Nairobi, the day before my exams because you asked me to and played PS the whole time, ignoring me, four straight hours! Then you had the audacity to say I was overreacting when I didn't talk to you for an hour?!! The nerve!! Remember when you finally decided to discuss it and you said you don't belong to anyone hence owe no one no explanation? The time my shoe cut in the middle of town and you made me hobble all the way to where you were on one foot, across two roads at rush hour while you waited in a restaurant that had a Bata right next to it?



Remember when you went to out of town for your boy's birthday on a Friday night, ignored all my texts and then in front of people we both knew, proceeded to try kiss that fat bitch? It was worse that she didn't want to kiss you; you were being the ungrateful pig that you'll always be and forcing your tongue down her throat. Then you come back to my house and act all broody for me, making me think that maybe I'd done something to upset you? Fuck you.

When you told me yu don't want me leaving clothes in your house you had enough women's clothes already, then went ahead to list names of your former girls' under stuff and shit that was still hanging in your closet? I cried all night after I took my stuff, then still replied your text when you holad, that's right, calls were a rare treat.

When you went to Tz, drunk, made merry in ways I may never find out then decided calling me a week later after days of silence and thought telling me you missed me would cut it. Really, Kwazi? Really?! I don't wait forever you know.



Then I got tired of being in an un-defined relationship, however 'exclusive' we were and demanded something more and you all but ignored me, like a wailing child who'd finally exhaust herself to sleep. Well, I finally exhausted myself and moved on to the next guy, something I should have done centuries ago!

It was because I let you have your way that I accepted so many things that I would normally recoil from, but you made it look like it was your way or the highway. Why the hell did I let you do that?!



I wish we could take back time, give you a taste of your own medicine, you'd never ignore me again. Ever! But I guess in nature's twisted, sadistic way you taught me how to take shit over and over and still finish first. Yes, Kwazi, I won in the end; my victory is still tinged with a bitter, angry taste in mouth, but it's a victory all the same. The thought that I could be anything other than the winner here defeats me. In the end, you wanted what I'd been crying for and at the risk of sounding desperate dare I say, begged for.



You let a good thing go, no, don't be sad, you saved me from that disaster. The world is a happier place coz you were an ass for the last coupla months, it finally occurred to me that I was chasing a loser who didn't even have the good mind to realize that I was way out of his league, that I was the settler and he, the ambitious reacher. The universe gave you an opportunity, an open door to be with someone you would otherwise never have had the good chance of being with and you ducked and let it whizz past you, only decided to chase after it when it was too late and the opportunity had found another home. Screw you for leaving me an angry woman. Screw you for all the bitterness I harbor towards men to this day. Screw you for all the lost faith I have now. Screw you for almost severing my last romantic bone that believes in happily ever after; white picket fences with rose bushes.



When you told me you loved me, I instantly forgave all the crap you'd put me through. Didn't even know I was that forgiving, but I forgave each time you did something shitty and apologized with an "I love you." It took me forever to realize you only told me you loved me when you were on something or a cocktail of stuff. Then you realized I had finally had enough, suddenly it didn't take so much out of you to tell me you loved me, to appreciate my numerous efforts to keep you happy and loved for, to pay for a meal; suddenly you realized I was worth having around, that I meant something.



I gathered up my skirts, my last remaining ounces of dignity and walked out that door, shutting it firmly behind me. This is me and I bounce back fast, maybe one day I'll forgive you for all the humiliation, heartache, energy and resources I spent on you, one day the shame of what I took may finally leave me and I will finally accept what we had as a distant memory, a mistake I made as a foolish young thing, a wound with a fading scar line.

It's my turn to be happy now, it's time I opened up for opportunities to come my way, it's time I loved me first and everyone else second. I need to be selfish to heal.





Love,
With love,
sincerely, 
screw you,

Lady U.