They could get me on a bad day when I’m bitchy and sarcastic and the effort of saying hi shows on my face, if the recipient is a girl they usually don’t bother though I try really hard not to show it to girls, but dudes being the creatures that they are still proceed to attempt to converse, during which time I switch to full bitch mode and ensure they never want to bother again, which is fine coz I don’t want to be bothered.
So today I’m in that kind of bitchy, sarcastic mood, I was fine through the day, it just hit me, a wave of….I’m not sure what emotion I can attach to myself to. It could be as a result of everything going on in my life right now or it could be everything on top of all my pent up issues. I’m starting to think that writing isn’t as therapeutic as everyone says it is, if it was, I’d be a very happy person right now; ecstatic and always optimistic.
I’m not, don’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy; it’s gotten worse lately and I’m not sure I know why, all I know is that I’m still angry at a lot of things that have happened in the past; I’m angry at all those times I have given myself, almost all of myself for the happiness of someone else and what do I get in return?
All my acts of kindness trashed, taken for granted, stamped on, torn apart and thrown back at me. When I like someone I give my all, naturally, I can’t help myself but I at least expect to be treated in the same way or maybe just appreciated or maybe if for once someone made me their all, the centre of their world; just once…maybe then I’d feel like I deserve some things.
Maybe its me, maybe I do something wrong or maybe I’m just bad in bed…it’s not like I can go back and ask them so I guess we’ll never find out.
Going through a pretty rough time, might explain my recent meltdown, not to mention my recently magnified daddy issues…
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