Is it really such a bad thing?

Is having falling in love with your best friend the worst thing in the world?

 I don't exactly get the tragedy of falling in love with the one person in the world who gets you, who's been with you through all your life's turmoil, tragedies and breakdowns? The one constant person in your life, the only human being you can rely on whenever because you know you'd drop blocks of gold you've just stumbled on to rush to their rescue; the only other being you love besides yourself?


 
Isn't the guy or girl who laughs at your dumb jokes and finishes your sentences and reads your thoughts your true soul mate? The man or woman of your dreams? The person you can spend your life with? After all, what is the rest of your life with the history you have, all the years you have known each other? 


Those many decades we so dread in marriage will fly past with laughter, old memories, good times and happiness.


 
Tell me how you could possibly have an issue with your best friend when they're no secrets between the two of you? How??!! 


Can you imagine the beauty of dating a person with whom you don't have to delicately explain your many (some more than others), past mistakes, screw ups, regrets and why they're coming to haunt your relationship now? 
Even better, never having to have the misfortune of your current man/woman ruthlessly discovering your unfortunate misgivings of the past, that's followed by a nasty fight that could leave your relationship scarred forever because of something one of you might have said in the heat of your spat. Sigh!!


 
The only risk best friends dating face is the raised stakes their relationship presents; if you lose each other, you risk losing everything but then again, you could lose the best thing that could have ever happened to the both of you. 


Yeah, I see the dilemma but didn't someone once say that anything worth doing is worth a risk? That limb you go out on may be the best decision of your life. Marrying your best friend with whom you share a level of deep comfort and understanding works beautifully without all the awkwardness of learning and discovering a complete stranger. 


With your best pal, your friendship will always be the cushioning you can fall back on. What happens when you discover things you simply can't live without too late? Then what do you do?


 


  My aunt's soul mate was her best pal for 16 years, 35 years down the line, they're still happily married. I'm not saying it's a sure thing things always work out, but my reasoning is, how could you go wrong with someone you've known for ages,, so long as you're reasons are not comfort and convenience but are driven by a deep passion for each other you guys shouldn't go wrong.

Been thinking about this for awhile, my two cents. 

 

My Life Can Really be Dull Sometimes

I don't dare myself enough, probably why my life is so predictable sometimes, most of my life's unpredictability comes from my own screw ups and even those could start getting predictable if I didn't screw up in so many different ways..it's all in the variety I tell ya.


Like the time I tried out a relationship just coz he was Luhya, everyone I know has dated a Luhya except me, besides the only other guy in my life was being an ass and I hear some Luhyas are cool, so why not? We lasted a record relationship lifeline of ten days.


Or the time I decided to see how my then boyfriend would react if I brought my immediate ex to the same table we were seated and engage in conversation. It didn't end too well..


There's also the time I experimented the effects of mixing vodka with whisky and red bull and ended up...well I have no recollection of that night, I can only rely on second hand info which I still maintain has been grossly exaggerated.


I could go on all night...but I never really dare myself to do anything..dare myself to smile at the tall, dark guy a few tables from me, dare myself to get on the table at the crowded sports bar and shake my booty, dare myself to enter the writing competition; from such adrenaline-driven dares to simple ones like dare myself to be happy today, to not snap or scowl or sneer or retort bitchily to anyone for a day. (Anything longer than a day is pushing it!)


From today, well tomorrow, no way I'm smiling at a stranger in this mood; I dare myself not to pass any other opportunity, one never knows what life and fate will throw your way and honestly my life could use a little adrenaline every now and then. 
Don't remember the last time I felt a rush of adrenaline that wasnt because I'd done something wrong and I was forcefully confronting it. I wonder though if that's the answer, it could just give me more drama to deal with. My life is unstable enough as it is..


Still rolling on the floor because of the Muliro park photos..Tsk Tsk!! These Naughty Luhyas! Three days now and they're still making my days! I thought those were funny till I saw this clip on you tube; Eat Da Poo Poo! Three days down the line and I'm still laughing! HILARIOUS!!

Forever and Always

Best friends are sent from heaven, they're a match made in heaven to make those days that make hell look like a dream destination, worth seeing through to the end. 
They stand at the bottom of the bridge ready to catch you as you fall instead of jumping with you. Without my best friend I'd be in a mental facility somewhere in Nyanza, I hear those ones are the best and my dad does his research.
That would be the better deal, the other side of the coin would have been the exorcism my folks would have quietly held to get rid of my demons. Them religious types really look for extreme measures to get the devil out.


Angy helps me look at the world in a different less morbid way..well she tries..every time we're making progress it's her turn to go through some miserable shit and my half baked optimism is required. The beauty of our friendship is that all we need from each other is presence, we leave the wise words to our folks. 


Six years ago I would never have seen myself bonding with the focused, law abiding, really-dedicated-christian girl at the corner with her nose always in some text book or other while I spent most of my free and class time in the farm, kitchen, houses or matron's house doing some detention or other for breaking one of the bloody stupid rules in our hopeless school.


Guess I got the rebellious girl struggling within her to set free and BOOM SHAKALLA BOOM!! There was so much of me in her even I was impressed! We never looked back. It's been beautiful, it's been dramatic, it's been teary and joyous. It's been crazy fun! She's the only person who finishes my sentences that I don't want to throttle. It goes beyond that, we literally read out each other's thoughts with creepy accuracy. It gets abit chilling when I think of all the times I've said " No Angy, we're not going to think about him tonight, we're gonna drink!" or "You're way hotter than that bitch babe!" No words have to be uttered.


So the strangest thing happened last night we both had nightmares..that involved both of us!..in a fight for our lives! Only difference is that she won in her dream while in mine, we both ended up with our knee caps blown out while some psycho bitch ran off to save her own life. We were fleeing from my former high school and failed miserably. We were dying for our freedom! How honourable! Guess that's why it shall stay a dream, and a nightmare for that matter. Now what was my high school nurse doing with a huge ass rifle? And my former Principle with a .45 mm? We got caught running from a very warped version of our former school. We really looked like jailbirds in the dream.
Bush clearly haunts me more than I care to admit. We were dying together just before I woke up, and our last words were, "Can't believe that stupid bitch gets to live and we dont! Nkt!!" Shouldn't we have been repenting or something slightly more spiritual than throwing profanities  


In her dream her and Dimple were at the mercy of Ngox (I live with him on occasion), my cousin's drunken wrath and his nutcase girlfriend not too far behind as usual. They'd borrowed his girl's vitz and when returning it found them beating the living daylights out of me. Punk asses. She kicked his girlfriend's ass (that's my girl!!) though poor Dimple didn't share quite the same fortune. Guess in the way Ngox is a living nightmare to me, he's an actual nightmare to her..Now how come they'd borrowed his girl's vitz? Dreams are so strange! Clearly Angy came from Nyeri in her other life coz she pounded the living daylights out of my cousin's girl in a way only a Nyeri woman can. Where was I all that time? Isn't that my part? I don't like the dormant role I took in her dream!








Preview

Smiley face to happy thoughts

If all the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players; with their exits and entrances? Can I play an evil, sadistic murderer who shoots Dimple right into his heart so I watch him bleed out then take out his mangled bullet-ridden heart out and stomp the last living breathing vessels to a pulp?

I’d retire my role after that and die knowing I’ve made the world a much better place. That thought has just made my dayJ. Yeah the vicious murderer definitely feels like the role for me…

When things finally calm down in my head, I can't wait to sleep for ten hours and wake up to watch another endless hours of sitcoms because I'm not desperately trying to keep busy so my head soesn't go on overdrive asking questions I may never get answers to. Nkt stupid life.

It's a grey morning, just the way I like em, nice and drab. Today I'll carry my camera around and capture smiles everywhere so that I might replace the plastic smile I've been working on with a real one..the sun may just need to come out for that one.

So today morning I got word that my cousin was in hospital burnt to a crisp attempting to rob some guys he clearly underestimated. Ouch! Guess some lessons have to be burnt into you..hope he survives to learrn it though, poor guy..

It's a slow day, morning, I should study for my cat later on in the evening, think I'll go buy a shoes, makes more sense or finish watching misfits, loving their Bree-ish accent! So bloody sexy!

Craving wine, vodka and chicken wings..kinda strange..

It's Sunday Again?!!

Before I met Dimple, I thought my life was really messed up, (I use thought because if I knew then what I know now, I'd have slapped myself for being unappreciative)!!




It was a random Friday evening, I was miserable, hanging out with P and wondering where my life was headed, I was getting convinced we were driving straight into the pits.




I called my girl Angy up, she's the only one who gets me out of my deepest, darkest moments and asked her if I could see her. She said we do a sleepover and I didn't have the strength to suggest anything better. So I rushed home, got an overnight bag and went to meet her. my mood was nasty, she was in a bar and I thought, "Great! perfect night to third wheel her and Big T."




That evening, I met Dimple, he made me laugh all night, and for the first time in days, I completely forgot about all my shit and relaxed and let myself not think through all my crappy life's decisions. We hit it off, he was so easy to talk to, relate to and listen to. It was fun!! I knew that I wanted this guy in my life, not short term, no way short term!!


Do all good things come to an end? Like dreams? Or do good things happen to those who wait? I'm getting slightly confused by all the wise sayings the English language has flying around. I just want to be happy, is that too hard to ask?!!


Some clearly messed up guy once said "Hope is the worst of evils for it prolongs the hurt of men." How encouraging that I had to see that today of all perfectly miserable days.






I thought my life was a mess till I listened to his, I wanted to cry for all the heartache he'd gone through and be there for him, show him that not all women take for granted such beautiful men. I wanted to go to wherever the hell she was and bitch slap her for dragging a perfectly good man through the mud and messing him up for us perfectly good girls too strong to be messed up by our past men.






Is there a romance story out there that has this clause in it? That would be all the encouraging I'd need, maybe I should google "romance stories that start with a guy messed up by another woman", but I cant risk there not being any results. 






If I walk now, I save myself months or (God forbid) years of tears and competing with the memory of the bitch who he loved who messed him up; but I may walk out on a good thing that could have been solved by a little patience and space. 


An incredible thing that could finally fix my increasingly jaded view of love forever, if that even exists. 




The cloudy days are getting longer and less far in-between, I grow weary.

I didn't bother with church today, it would have helped by now if it was going to, right? So I went out yesterday, got nice and wasted, danced like I was on some steroid and....well my memory stops after the first two hours..Angy will fill me in..




I woke up at about half noon to my cousin giving me a strange look. Apparently, yes I maintain apparently despite the irrevocable prove, I got home, somehow, no recollection of that either I'm afraid, and one by one took off all my clothes, leaving a trail from the kitchen door to just beside my bed. 


Yup I was snoring in bed stark naked and I'd kicked off my duvet. Sigh! Death would have been easier than hearing her narrate to all and sundry how she woke up to follow my trail of clothes to the kitchen on her way to get breakfast.


 I refuse to be humiliated!! things could have been so much worse! So much..I have to keep repeating that. 




Writing has always been my therapy, my first love, so why isn't it helping now?
Oh it has helped me see a few things I keep missing; if you think your life is a mess now, it could be way more messier, don't sweat it too much..


I pray that one day I read this post and laugh at how unnecessarily stressed out I was coz I'll be happy.

Friday Musings

Yesterday I kicked insomnia's tiny little butt out of my room and slept soundly all the way from eleven to seven am and that was the alarm. Yaay!!


One tiny little problem though, now I can't find slots during the day to squeeze in all the work I got done in the we hours of the night when I was wide awake and burning with energy, darn it!!


My days are getting increasingly brighter, most shocking is that I'm laughing again, not because my life is easier, happier or more full of love, but because I have that condition that has probably saved me from ulcers through my many dark years; escapism. It works wonders!!




 I'm happy now that's all that counts right?




Strange dreams have been haunting my sleep lately, two nights ago after an exceptionally long spell of insomnia, I managed to get some shut eye and the results of part of my escapist renegades came back to haunt me in my sleep.


I was in P's house talking on the phone to him and packing his stuff up for one reason or the other...I was in my blue home towel and my pink slippers. The house was dark and I was whispering on the phone to him when his dad appeared at the bottom of the stairs on which I was halfway.


 As we have seen in all our dreams, we have supernatural powers that somehow seem to mess up the situation even further. I somehow hid under the stairs making my capture all the more embarrassing towel and all, crouched under a stairwell in the dark, phone in hand.


It was humiliating! You see, we never really formally met with the dad, he just stared at me like I looked vaguely familiar then dragged me out into the light, took the phone and attempted to call P who wasn't picking up by some stroke of luck.


 Short lived as it was, it was worth it, for I was frog marched to the car where Kariuki, their driver was waiting. Baba P sat in the back seat with me, still clad in my blue towel and pink slippers now very confused!


Then I woke up. Shit. Weird. Why do I still have dreams of ex-people? Do they still exist in my subconsience? I think I prefer my dreamless nights, peace of mind. God knows I havent had that in a while.


The intense hot and cold with Dimple  isn't really helping a girl figure stuff out, I seem to have an uncanny ability to pull in the complicated.




"Life was full of sound and fury and in the end signified nothing." William Shakespear. What a drab thing to say, somehow that's the phase I seem to be going through, everything I do feels like it's headed to nowhere, to unappreciation, pain and regret.
I used to be such a positive person! Guess life pounded it all out of me. I refuse to let it eat me up, tommorrow first thing, I dig up my copy of The Secret, blow the years of accumulated dust off and start the journey of positivity anew!

Now I should take advantage of my days of almost hypersomnia and escape to dreamland.
 .

Your caretaker, our witchdoctor

On Sunday I was bonding with a longtime friend who means the world to me and my funny bone coz everytime we decide to catch up after as little as a week of not seeing each other; a ridiculous, out of this world experience befell him. So Sunday was getting abit grey, freaking weather has done a complete 360 degree turn on us, I decided to week refuge at his restaurant before heading for a play. Dude is covered in cuts and bruises; looked like he'd been in a car accident and it rolled down a cliff. 

The story begins and ends with...no way your guessing this one...hehehe....witchdoctor!!! Yup a mganga who doubles as a caretaker in one of their off campus residents. So here goes..

A group of six chaps, idle despite being in school with a shitload of assignments and reading to do, were having a drink up in one of their houses off campus after an afternoon spent swimming. One of the guys goes all out and throws three, four botis of vodka and eventually they black out; wake up and a laptop is missing. The owner of the house and laptop is furious, matches all of them to the police post (assuming there's no way it's a station in that part of our country) and before they know it, it's a police case and witnesses are being summoned and testimonies are given and written down. Knowing that the incompetence of our country's police force touches dingy posts worse than more recognisable parts of the country, he talks to the caretaker of their block of flats in despair and narrates his tale.

Caretaker: "Huku watu wanaiba sana siku hizi na ni hiyo ulevi wenyu!!"

Dude in distress: " Sasa ata siezi jua ni nani anaeza kuwa ameichukua! Nitamuua!! NKT!!"

Caretaker: "Acha stress, kuna rafiki yangu caretaker wa hizo flats hulo anaeza kusaidia uipate na utajua mwenye aliichukua, uko down nikupeleke?"

Dude in distress: "Haiya wapi? hio sasa ni swali ya aina gani? Twende!"

So the caretaker leads the poor chap to his boy with special powers. Strange thing is, he wasnt asked for any pure black sheep, or black and yellow kuku or strands of hair, nothing! Just details of the laptop and date of disappearance. He even said he'l come collect his cash after it had been found. The excited boys went back to his house curious as to whether such insanities still exist.

They didn't have long to wait. The laptop appeared at the main gate of the flats intact flash disk and all, even the dvd that was in the drive was still there. Minutes later, the witchdoctor with the caretaker alter ego passed by for his surprsingly cheap dues and less than fifteen minutes after he left, the guilty candidate went kuku. I'm not exaggerating, he literally went crazy, insane, nuts!! He ran out of his room in a fit of rage hurling anything in his site at my boy and his crew. Stones were thrown at remarkable speed and aim. He chased after them shouting obscenities and throwing stones, sticks, pebbles, really anything in site and hitting them hard enough to fall, scramble to their feet, trip over rambles, ran into things and eventually genreate the type of wounds that convinced anyone not witnessing that outlandish scene they rolled off a cliff in an overspeeding car.

Moral of the story; who the hell are we living with if our caretakers are witchdoctors??!! Who are our househelps, shamba boys, watchmen???

Creeping Dark

I'm seated in the dark listening to the rain, the thunder and welcoming the occasional flashes of lightening; wondering when my life become such a freaking roller coaster ride. One minute I'm ecstatic, next couple of days I feel like I'm sinking, deeper into an abyss so dark it frightens me. The longer this goes on, the sooner I'm starting to feel a bit manic, slightly. I can name in 5 seconds one or two people who make me feel disgustingly normal.
Today I woke up more optimistic than I've been since the weekend, stuff was looking up; Dimple looked like he was taking me more seriously than the weekend, till evening came and the last thing I wanted was to go for that class so I made an impulse decision to go see the poor tired boy. I get there and he went to class, the depression starts sinking in again; I choose the closest thing to my mood on his laptop; Californication, and start watching. I swear it was speaking to my soul, it was dark and ominous with brighter spots of grey humour, a suicide attempt that honestly didnt look like such a bad solution to misery and a letter that tore at my very core. Genius stuff Tom  Kapinos, genius.
He walked in and my heart skipped nervously hoping that he'd look happpy to see me, like maybe, just maybe by some miracle he'd missed me..nothing. Dunno why I never learn to stop expecting shit, thats how you get disappointed and hate yourself.
I hate the sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that's pulling me down to the dark hole of despair but it's beyond my control, it's clutching at my heart and squeezing out all the strength I possessed; leaving me bare and alone.
The steady pattter of the rain on my window is starting to feel like the last thing I'll remember before my eyes close and cant open anymore coz all my strength has bee sucked out. Wouldn't that be a relief! Till that long awaited day comes along, I'll have to plaster my happy face and skip through the days in pure agony

Sunday Blues

Only I could still be blue on such a beautiful Sunday morning. It's beyond me. Truthfully though, the world has been a dull grey for awhile now. Nothing has been turning out like it should; I'm trying to be positive; reminding myself how blessed I am. I have lovely family and friends, I love what I'm studying in school, life should be looking up now as I finally identify what I want to do with my life. I just can't help wondering if my love life is doomed forever though..Sigh!!

Its a Sunday morning, I'm up early, I'm beginning to think that there should be an answer to this shit. Religion? I dunno..I'm not sure religious people are that much happier; they have someone to turn to but does He really answer their questions? Would he answer mine? Is it worth all that self sacrifice? I'm gonna close my eyes and leap. I'm turning into a flight risk with a fear of falling. I have to fix it, so I'm going to church coz I have nothing to lose..

Masks

We all wear masks; everyone, everyday. Sometimes we wear them so much we forget who we are...and sometimes if we're lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really are, and who we should be.
And so I start taking off my mask, inch by inch and thank my girl Koki for showing me who I can be.