Blankets and Wine

They come bearing baskets containing wine and cheese. They come rom South b, Lavington, Langata, Spring Valley, Donholm, Imara Daima, Karen, South C, Loresho. And yes, they come from the greatest incubator of the middle-class, Kileleshwa.


They come in fancy cars with gleaming rims and shimmering sound systems. They come in their linens, shorts, flowing dresses and huge sunglasses (if everyone at this do all looked up at a go, and an aerial picture was taken, it would look like an alien convention, what with the saucer-sized sunglasses). They all have great teeth, and they show them when they smile. And everyone at B&W smiles.


But B&W is ideally a class convention where all the middle class go to make a statement about their affluence, where they go to seek validation in numbers. And there is no greater – or more socially significant group – like the middle- class because they are loud. Loud in their dressing, loud in the cars that they drive, loud in the women they date and the clubs they go to. They are even loud in their love making because they like to make a statement. A middle-class woman can sit at Arte café, silently having her latte, head buried in her book and I will feel her loudness across the room. There are no subtleties in the middle-class, life has to be eaten with a smack!


And at Blankets and Wine – perhaps the most successful middle-class shindig of all time – they come bearing props; they come abiding hats and P Diddy like walking sticks. Some brazen ones push the boat out and come with their three month old babies, who hang – like bovine steak – from their fancy 12thousand bob baby carriers. but those without pretty babies to parade come with shampooed poodles that smell better than my neighbour Tony. Lately there has been the guys who lug along with their iPads because there are emails that just can’t wait!






And so they come and sip their drinks in plastic cups and sway to the afro fusionists up on stage because, and wait or it…they feel aro fusion.


Smoke and mirrors; that’s what Nairobi is. If you hate it so much, move to Makueni. Or write about it.


                           

                          Anonymous Source

Where is my Happy?

No one really comes through like you’re friends when you’re having a tough time in any aspect of you’re life, today chilling with just girls and talking and taking photos saved me from a potentially frustratingly sad day.

I’ll post some of the photos we took soon as they’re edited and made to make us look flawless and downright gorgeous; they’re so beautiful they’re worth sharing with the world, I was happy and laughing for the first time in a while. I woke up and said today i will be happy; it worked way better than I thought it would. Two straight happy days in a row, family and friends. In the end those are who you fall back on, everyone deserves those.

By now I’ve realised that left to my own devises I can turn suicidal, no matter the time of the month; my swings don’t really understand the importance of pattern and regularity, they just up and kick in whenever they damn well please, soo inconsiderate!! I need to be constantly around people favourable to my funny bone, classmates and lecturers don’t help though sometimes any contact is better than none. Weird how I can’t live with people but I can’t live without them either…

I have come to the realization that love’s downs are too painful to take on your own, not pushing away people close to you might will save your sanity.

As I search for greater personal fulfilment and happiness, I’ve learnt several things. One as Carol Mandi wrote, it is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. Every time I make another person the source of my happiness, as I so often naturally do, I get miserable because while they will certainly add to my levels of happiness, they are not the entire source of it.

I tend to make the men in my life the source of my happy, it unconscious and completely unintentional but I do hence my constant ups and downs and downs. My happy flies out the window for quite the distance and returns only periodically to check up.

So when I search myself, where do I find my happy? Turns out its just the  simple things like hanging with friends on a Sunday afternoon, shopping, a good book in the evening, a long, hot shower after a long day, writing and capturing beautiful moments with  timeless photos.

This month I aim to work on me, stop caring too much about other people and work at fixing myself, learn to love me first before dishing out every ounce of my energies to another person. I’ll start with this week and work towards developing a more self-satisfied and fulfilled woman, that way I will be a better family member, friend and lover.

It is said that a little of what you fancy every day does you good.

Cute Family Members, know them all!

This weather needs to cheer up man!

Yesterday I went to a family function to welcome my cousin back for his short holiday here after 8 years of being in the States without a visit. It was a little weird at first coz it had been so long, but my family is kinda huge and it’s hard to feel left out and eventually, our sunny nature enveloped him in. As these things go, both sides of his family were there, though we dominated with our huge numbers and loud demeanour. I couldn’t help but notice a very cute guy seated on the other side of the family; just my type, tall, not too skinny, light complexion and cute. I introduced myself just to make sure he sounded right and he did and I was like damn!! No way this delicious piece of ass is my relative no way! But he is, sigh!

I kept my distance but we exchanged a couple of glances in each other’s direction. You know if yesterday never happened and I met this guy somewhere else, a club or any other social gathering I’d have flirted with him and it looks like he’d have flirted back and who knows where it would have gone from there?

How much later would we have found out we were related? A year later? Engagement time later? And then we’d have been left damaged for ever! There are some things even therapy doesn’t solve, only a change of identity and location would have eventually healed us, he’d go to Yugoslavia and I move to Poland, change our hair and eye colors, names and join other families shit.

Patches of Blue

It’s 3.30pm Friday afternoon, I’ve spent my whole day in bed, weird how I still feel exhausted and really not in the mood to leave here without an incentive, an alcohol-based incentive.

One of the reasons I’ve been so sad is because I’m hormonal, plus the weather, it sucks ass. Right after I force Nyambura to take me bikini shopping because there was finally some promise of sunshine...life..




That and the man I have been falling in love with is at a point where being a dick and taking me for granted is all he has to offer for my efforts; I’m being punished for all the shit he’s going through as if I contributed to even one of his problems, jeez! Just trying to be there for him and he’s being such a douche, don’t even know what I do to deserve this shit or if it’s even worth it. Is it?


Why can’t I catch a break?! Tonight I’ll turn to alcohol to drown all my sad days and sleepless nights, don’t care how I will deal with tomorrow; let tomorrow worry about itself, isn’t there a verse like that somewhere in the Bible?


I've been watching the new Justin T. movie; Friends with benefits a lot lately, 7-10 times in the past two weeks, it’s one of those movies that helps you escape to a better place, a happier place full of humour and love; and even when Dylan and Jamie have a falling out; he feels incomplete and miserable and keeps trying to call her and she’s a wreck but it doesn’t take long before he realises he’s in love with his best friend or does it? The movie doesn’t say, but it looks like a week, it could be longer, problem with me is that, I can’t watch his phone ring and not pick up, and when he doesn’t talk to me, I want to cry and every time he says he can’t hook up with me, I feel crushed. Is there something wrong with me?


I guess I just like him, but maybe even I should be a bit proud and have a life. Is it my fault that I want to be adored, that I believe in prince charming and happy endings and true love. Maybe I’m damaged..


Will I ever meet my prince? I really don’t want to settle for less, I find Mc Wolfenstein adorable but is that everything? He’s a wolf and I’m a vampire, how can the two possibly work?






All these takes me back to Kwazi, maybe he’s my choice of reference because I’ve never really been with somebody that long before and after, it’s been 4 official months with Mc W, that’s half the time I was with Kwazi; at some point in our really messed up relationship, he went cold, like Mc W is doing right now, became an ass and I was the one trying to be there for him with no appreciation, think I eventually got tired and he stopped acting like I’d always be there, or something…don’t quite remember the details but it worked out and in the end he couldn’t live without me, it was a little too late by that time, too much shit in too short a period, I knew I deserved better, problem is, what is better? Is Mc W that? Is my prince waiting for the right time to come sweep me off my feet or will I find him at the bottom of a Mojito glass?


All the sadness aside, now that we are friends with no benefits, we spend more time talking about stuff we never really used to talk about, maybe the sexual energy has been channelled into other things but it’s not all bad, when he’s not being an ass we talk and laugh and actually have a great time.


I’m getting a tattoo, it’s about time I got no. 2, maybe at the base of my neck..

SHIIEEEET

.Most people’s general first impressions of me, heavily depend on my mood on that particular day; they could get happy me and think I’m the coolest person to chill with and could definitely become a new friend. 


They could get me on a bad day when  I’m bitchy and sarcastic and the effort of saying hi shows on my face, if the recipient is a girl they usually don’t bother though I try really hard not to show it to girls, but dudes being the creatures that they are still proceed to attempt to converse, during which time I switch to full bitch mode and ensure they never want to bother again, which is fine coz I don’t want to be bothered.


So today I’m in that kind of bitchy, sarcastic mood, I was fine through the day, it just hit me, a wave of….I’m not sure what emotion I can attach to myself to. It could be as a result of everything going on in my life right now or it could be everything on top of all my pent up  issues. I’m starting to think that writing isn’t as therapeutic as everyone says it is, if it was, I’d be a very happy person right now; ecstatic and always optimistic. 


I’m not, don’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy; it’s gotten worse lately and I’m not sure I know why, all I know is that I’m still angry at a lot of things that have happened in the past; I’m angry at all those times I have given myself, almost all of myself for the happiness of someone else and what do I get in return?


All my acts of kindness trashed, taken for granted, stamped on, torn apart and thrown back at me. When I like someone I give my all, naturally, I can’t help myself but I at least expect to be treated in the same way or maybe just appreciated or maybe if for once someone made me their all, the centre of their world; just once…maybe then I’d feel like I deserve some things. 


Maybe its me, maybe I do something wrong or maybe I’m just bad in bed…it’s not like I can go back and ask them so I guess we’ll never find out.
Going through a pretty rough time, might explain my recent meltdown, not to mention my recently magnified daddy issues… 

The Joys Life Constantly Dishes Out

I’m just loving life more and more with each freaking day! Screw happiness, some things were not meant for everyone, not everyone can be happy; lesson of the freaking year!



Is there really a point to loving someone if all they’re going to cost you is pain without measure? Are the tears worth it? So tired of crying..difference between Snuggles and Dimples (if that’s even the name I used in this blog, don’t care to check) is that I actually think Snuggles is worth it. He’s a noble man with issues, I’m a good girl with issues, what’s to stop us from being together? Plus we have that beauty spot at the exact same place on our necks and we both have strange feet



I don’t get why there should be pain so early in our relationship, at 5months un-officially and 4months one day officially we should still be in our honeymoon stage, did we even have that? Sigh!
We were never really friends and the very tiny optimistic, hopeful part of me sees this as an opportunity to become actual friends who don’t have sex, or something..sigh! My life sucks constantly, I dunno what I do to offend the universe, I mean I try not to litter and cause pollution of any kind and I think I’m a fairly good earthian citizen with a few exceptions, pretty sure the universe is not a perfectionist..maybe it’s just bad karma from something I did…either way I’m glad that snuggles is a good man, just sad at his issues. Just don’t want anyone else but him


Had a happier weekend than I anticipated, ok maybe happier should be substituted for drunker but nothing beats friends and alcohol when you’re depressed, nothing! maybe God, I wouldn’t know, I’m not the best at turning to spiritual nourishment when all I want is spirit-induced bliss.


Danced in the rain at blankets and wine, so cool. Its really strange how coincidentally we all had white clothes on, on the day it decides to pour for hours on end and your outdoors drunk and dancing, murphy’s law.
I find it a bit disturbing how I write so well when I’m sad; almost like depression releases the talent within, maybe that is the reason I was created a fairly dark person, raw inspiration, besides who wants to read happy stuff anyway?

Showers

When it rains it pours, I thought I was just having a couple of bad days, didn't think that they'd turn so bad snuggles and I would be in a deseert storm and not in sight of each other. I'm down, I want to get up but my legs fail me, my chest is heaving in frustration and the winds are biting at my skin, making it impossible to see..




I miss him, I want him here with me, I was finally settling into a happy place but the universe had other plans, does it not understand that this is the man I have chosen and I have no desire to even think of anyone else? Sigh! If it wasn't a break and be in the deepest of slumps; so many thoughts are going through me, have been going through me since last night; what is wrong with me? It must be me



Last night was crazy emotional, my heart felt like the life was slowly being squeezed out of  it, then it went numb, then it just slacked in despair. It wanted to fight for its source of many happy moments and reason for so many of its skipped beats but the fight in me was fading with each painful beat of realization. When he held me and my whole body was raked with sobs, I was scared that if I let him go, it'll be forever..



I'm seated in class not even trying to pay attention to this dude going on and on...I want to walk out and go back to my bed and weep



Wish I lived in a movie, when at my lowest point the man of my dreams would just come and sweep me off my feet, realise that all this was a huge mistake and that he can't live without me because he's in love with me and I'm the girl of his dreams.


Time to go, screw this lecturer