one of those…

It’s 5am Tuesday morning, well 5.40 to be exact, 5 was the time I should have been up. I have no excuse, no smart reason why I woke up 40mins later, just that I’m a lazy girl who clearly has her priorities all wrong if I even have the gut to write for her blog rather than read for her marketing paper in a couple of hours. I guess I just know when I’m screwed, in those situations I do what everyone does best, run from reality. Some would say if I’m going to waste good morning hours yapping away, then I might as well just go on back to sleep. I would kill for even 30 more minutes of deep, dreamless, quiet sleep, it’s just not worth the guilt and self-battery, so I’m up for the day. Nothing, not even strong, black, sugar-less coffee is working right now, I’m so damn sleepy!!


Lately I’ve discovered writing that I can only aspire to get to, work that speaks to an inner voice in me, writing that shouts talent, a true gift. It has truly inspired me to take what I love to do, the only consistent thing I’ve loved to do all my life a little bit more seriously, from now on, I shall write at least three posts a week, I’m a student, I have no excuse not to write, I spend all my days zoning out in class, passing time gossiping in the cafeteria after class, dragging myself back to class and daydreaming about getting home to jersey shore or some other reality thrill that helps me escape from my own miserable existence. I love reality shows! Shoot me.


Jackson Biko’s blog has been a true inspiration, I love his expressive writing, he makes it look like an effortless work of art rather than hours spent pounding at the keyboard staring at the blank white page and hoping to derive inspiration from it. I’m guessing correctly that years of various life experiences, travel and encounters with people from all walks of life haven’t hurt his talent either.  He makes 2000 words look like a piece of cake, I’ve done 365 words and I’m already drawing blanks.But that is the beauty of a blog, it’s your space, no pre-set rules, no word count allocation, no penalties for not using spell check, or using words from other languages or making up your own words, or just going on and on about my life, plus I can use whatever colour I choose! anyone that has a problem with it can just click close on the page and move on to a fashion blog with much fewer words.


I’ve been watching the secret diary of a call girl, at first I liked it (I’m in season 3, if that’s anything to go by), but recently it has left me quite un-settled. It’s the people who look the plainest, the common folk, the good people who do things that blow our minds. She’s a secretary, a good majority and the kinkiest I might add, of her clients are bank managers, insurance brokers, regular, trustworthy people with wives they seem to adore and kids they obviously love. Each time someone lets a comment such as, “He would never do such a thing”, “Who her? She’s a church girl, you can trust her”, “But he’s such a nice guy!” I hold my breathe, those are the worst kind largely because those are the ones that knock your socks off.


Each time, we still have the same look of utter disdain and shock. I don’t know how character is judged anymore, all I know is, with time everything is always revealed and no one is quite what they seem at first glance everyone wears a front, some don’t quite get it to fit but others, the better actors and actresses, out there wear it professionally and play it effortlessly those are the ones I pray never to get too involved with, those are the kind that leave scars that no fading cream will ever get rid of.


That’s what I try to think of each time I want to say that about Mc W, so I stop myself from making such embarrassing declarations, though if he tries such crap he knows I’ll cut him. Awhile back, actually about a year or two back, my very close and dear friend, let’s call her Honey, was very fond of shouting those declarations from the mountain top, very sure of her situation so naturally we were very curious about this beau and we had to meet him. And meet him we did. To say we expected a lot more, to say she grossly oversold him is to exceedingly understate it. But what stuck out most is his very friendly manner towards the women folk attending, I thought that a tad inappropriate but I let it go, what I couldn’t let go of though, was at the club when the nigger had the audacity to try nibble at my ear and proceed to try have sex with me in HER house when we hot back home! The chutzpah, the sheer nerve! Really? We’d just met…you’re girlfriend’s friends? Day one of meeting? What happened to seeking approval? Being on one’s best behaviour because you know the importance of first impressions?!! it’s beyond me!

I seriously considered letting her know but couldn’t get the nerve to tell my dear friend that the man she’s been cooing about for the longest time, the love of her life, her best friend was a lying, cheating, horny son of a bitch worse than the rest of them because clearly the man has no conscience! Long story short, I never said a word to her for reasons I do not wish to justify, she is now 6months with child and engaged to the bastard and I can’t help but wonder…if I told her would she have taken my word for it, dumped the loser and found herself someone deserving of her time and her amazing personality or would she have confronted him with my word against his, would he have worked his charm, convinced her I was just jealous of what they had, come up with a version where I had pulled a move on him and therefore in one swift motion severed a friendship and brought her closer to him, her hero. There is no way of telling now, every once in a while when she declares her fiancé's faithful and heroic nature I feel a stab of guilt and I try to brush it off, it’s unlikely that I will ever completely be rid of it but I’ve let it be, I chose to live with it rather than destroy a lifelong friendship, I can only hope that he doesn't mess with her health in any way and that she may continue to live in blissful oblivion, life is cruel as it is, no one needs the knife getting twisted.

my window…

Every now and then, when you’ve lost track of the general direction in you’re life, something gives that throws you right back on that long road with it’s speed bumps and occasional,frequent rough and dusty murram patches.







As a younger girl (I’m still pretty young in my books), I put all my frustrations, drab moments, sad times, good times, hopes and aspirations on paper. The beauty of documentation is you get to analyse your temperament just by flipping through the worn out, browning pages of memories. It takes you back on a journey we had completely let go of, not by choice but by getting on life’s swift current and not trying hard enough to tread on the spot and let the memories take over just for awhile, to help you see how far you’ve come, and judge how much  farther we need to go.



My writing through the years portrays a girl, transforming into a woman with each stroke of her pen, fighting the adversaries that threaten to break her, working not to let what goes on around her imprint a life-long impression unless it matters, learning what matters and what she could do without, getting stuck and letting stuff she could have done without define her days and take her to dark lonely corners where she cried and no one heard, no one noticed her shaking shoulders and no one stopped to see her glistening cheeks where the weak beam of light hit her profile and no one cared to see her trembling lip.


I don’t know about other writers or if other writers are plagued with the same problem, for the longest time, I struggled to find a font that defined me, a font that worked with my words and made them feel more personal, as if I was writing from my own pen; it takes quite a bit of searching through the thousands (are they thousands? well maybe hundreds) of fonts provided to find one that works for you. I found Comic Sans MS and Segoe Script do my writing justice, the former for all my writing and the latter for my letter writing, God knows there are never enough letters to write. I’d type my work on a word document and copy paste it to my blog until I discovered windows live writer that synchs me directly to my blog with all the perks of word, except the line spacing but with a much more special feel to it.


My writing to date still portrays a young, impressionable woman who could do better than average, who should never settle for what she could do better without and who struggles to keep her spine straight as an arrow strained against a bow, sometimes letting the exhaustion take over with the hope that someone, anyone breaks her fall. Whose tired eyes still have glimpses of life, impulsiveness and days of laughter.


I write because it gives me a window to look out of and feel my backbone relax as I let go and truly become me, it’s the only time I am myself, wholly.

Blankets and Wine

They come bearing baskets containing wine and cheese. They come rom South b, Lavington, Langata, Spring Valley, Donholm, Imara Daima, Karen, South C, Loresho. And yes, they come from the greatest incubator of the middle-class, Kileleshwa.


They come in fancy cars with gleaming rims and shimmering sound systems. They come in their linens, shorts, flowing dresses and huge sunglasses (if everyone at this do all looked up at a go, and an aerial picture was taken, it would look like an alien convention, what with the saucer-sized sunglasses). They all have great teeth, and they show them when they smile. And everyone at B&W smiles.


But B&W is ideally a class convention where all the middle class go to make a statement about their affluence, where they go to seek validation in numbers. And there is no greater – or more socially significant group – like the middle- class because they are loud. Loud in their dressing, loud in the cars that they drive, loud in the women they date and the clubs they go to. They are even loud in their love making because they like to make a statement. A middle-class woman can sit at Arte café, silently having her latte, head buried in her book and I will feel her loudness across the room. There are no subtleties in the middle-class, life has to be eaten with a smack!


And at Blankets and Wine – perhaps the most successful middle-class shindig of all time – they come bearing props; they come abiding hats and P Diddy like walking sticks. Some brazen ones push the boat out and come with their three month old babies, who hang – like bovine steak – from their fancy 12thousand bob baby carriers. but those without pretty babies to parade come with shampooed poodles that smell better than my neighbour Tony. Lately there has been the guys who lug along with their iPads because there are emails that just can’t wait!






And so they come and sip their drinks in plastic cups and sway to the afro fusionists up on stage because, and wait or it…they feel aro fusion.


Smoke and mirrors; that’s what Nairobi is. If you hate it so much, move to Makueni. Or write about it.


                           

                          Anonymous Source

Where is my Happy?

No one really comes through like you’re friends when you’re having a tough time in any aspect of you’re life, today chilling with just girls and talking and taking photos saved me from a potentially frustratingly sad day.

I’ll post some of the photos we took soon as they’re edited and made to make us look flawless and downright gorgeous; they’re so beautiful they’re worth sharing with the world, I was happy and laughing for the first time in a while. I woke up and said today i will be happy; it worked way better than I thought it would. Two straight happy days in a row, family and friends. In the end those are who you fall back on, everyone deserves those.

By now I’ve realised that left to my own devises I can turn suicidal, no matter the time of the month; my swings don’t really understand the importance of pattern and regularity, they just up and kick in whenever they damn well please, soo inconsiderate!! I need to be constantly around people favourable to my funny bone, classmates and lecturers don’t help though sometimes any contact is better than none. Weird how I can’t live with people but I can’t live without them either…

I have come to the realization that love’s downs are too painful to take on your own, not pushing away people close to you might will save your sanity.

As I search for greater personal fulfilment and happiness, I’ve learnt several things. One as Carol Mandi wrote, it is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. Every time I make another person the source of my happiness, as I so often naturally do, I get miserable because while they will certainly add to my levels of happiness, they are not the entire source of it.

I tend to make the men in my life the source of my happy, it unconscious and completely unintentional but I do hence my constant ups and downs and downs. My happy flies out the window for quite the distance and returns only periodically to check up.

So when I search myself, where do I find my happy? Turns out its just the  simple things like hanging with friends on a Sunday afternoon, shopping, a good book in the evening, a long, hot shower after a long day, writing and capturing beautiful moments with  timeless photos.

This month I aim to work on me, stop caring too much about other people and work at fixing myself, learn to love me first before dishing out every ounce of my energies to another person. I’ll start with this week and work towards developing a more self-satisfied and fulfilled woman, that way I will be a better family member, friend and lover.

It is said that a little of what you fancy every day does you good.

Cute Family Members, know them all!

This weather needs to cheer up man!

Yesterday I went to a family function to welcome my cousin back for his short holiday here after 8 years of being in the States without a visit. It was a little weird at first coz it had been so long, but my family is kinda huge and it’s hard to feel left out and eventually, our sunny nature enveloped him in. As these things go, both sides of his family were there, though we dominated with our huge numbers and loud demeanour. I couldn’t help but notice a very cute guy seated on the other side of the family; just my type, tall, not too skinny, light complexion and cute. I introduced myself just to make sure he sounded right and he did and I was like damn!! No way this delicious piece of ass is my relative no way! But he is, sigh!

I kept my distance but we exchanged a couple of glances in each other’s direction. You know if yesterday never happened and I met this guy somewhere else, a club or any other social gathering I’d have flirted with him and it looks like he’d have flirted back and who knows where it would have gone from there?

How much later would we have found out we were related? A year later? Engagement time later? And then we’d have been left damaged for ever! There are some things even therapy doesn’t solve, only a change of identity and location would have eventually healed us, he’d go to Yugoslavia and I move to Poland, change our hair and eye colors, names and join other families shit.

Patches of Blue

It’s 3.30pm Friday afternoon, I’ve spent my whole day in bed, weird how I still feel exhausted and really not in the mood to leave here without an incentive, an alcohol-based incentive.

One of the reasons I’ve been so sad is because I’m hormonal, plus the weather, it sucks ass. Right after I force Nyambura to take me bikini shopping because there was finally some promise of sunshine...life..




That and the man I have been falling in love with is at a point where being a dick and taking me for granted is all he has to offer for my efforts; I’m being punished for all the shit he’s going through as if I contributed to even one of his problems, jeez! Just trying to be there for him and he’s being such a douche, don’t even know what I do to deserve this shit or if it’s even worth it. Is it?


Why can’t I catch a break?! Tonight I’ll turn to alcohol to drown all my sad days and sleepless nights, don’t care how I will deal with tomorrow; let tomorrow worry about itself, isn’t there a verse like that somewhere in the Bible?


I've been watching the new Justin T. movie; Friends with benefits a lot lately, 7-10 times in the past two weeks, it’s one of those movies that helps you escape to a better place, a happier place full of humour and love; and even when Dylan and Jamie have a falling out; he feels incomplete and miserable and keeps trying to call her and she’s a wreck but it doesn’t take long before he realises he’s in love with his best friend or does it? The movie doesn’t say, but it looks like a week, it could be longer, problem with me is that, I can’t watch his phone ring and not pick up, and when he doesn’t talk to me, I want to cry and every time he says he can’t hook up with me, I feel crushed. Is there something wrong with me?


I guess I just like him, but maybe even I should be a bit proud and have a life. Is it my fault that I want to be adored, that I believe in prince charming and happy endings and true love. Maybe I’m damaged..


Will I ever meet my prince? I really don’t want to settle for less, I find Mc Wolfenstein adorable but is that everything? He’s a wolf and I’m a vampire, how can the two possibly work?






All these takes me back to Kwazi, maybe he’s my choice of reference because I’ve never really been with somebody that long before and after, it’s been 4 official months with Mc W, that’s half the time I was with Kwazi; at some point in our really messed up relationship, he went cold, like Mc W is doing right now, became an ass and I was the one trying to be there for him with no appreciation, think I eventually got tired and he stopped acting like I’d always be there, or something…don’t quite remember the details but it worked out and in the end he couldn’t live without me, it was a little too late by that time, too much shit in too short a period, I knew I deserved better, problem is, what is better? Is Mc W that? Is my prince waiting for the right time to come sweep me off my feet or will I find him at the bottom of a Mojito glass?


All the sadness aside, now that we are friends with no benefits, we spend more time talking about stuff we never really used to talk about, maybe the sexual energy has been channelled into other things but it’s not all bad, when he’s not being an ass we talk and laugh and actually have a great time.


I’m getting a tattoo, it’s about time I got no. 2, maybe at the base of my neck..

SHIIEEEET

.Most people’s general first impressions of me, heavily depend on my mood on that particular day; they could get happy me and think I’m the coolest person to chill with and could definitely become a new friend. 


They could get me on a bad day when  I’m bitchy and sarcastic and the effort of saying hi shows on my face, if the recipient is a girl they usually don’t bother though I try really hard not to show it to girls, but dudes being the creatures that they are still proceed to attempt to converse, during which time I switch to full bitch mode and ensure they never want to bother again, which is fine coz I don’t want to be bothered.


So today I’m in that kind of bitchy, sarcastic mood, I was fine through the day, it just hit me, a wave of….I’m not sure what emotion I can attach to myself to. It could be as a result of everything going on in my life right now or it could be everything on top of all my pent up  issues. I’m starting to think that writing isn’t as therapeutic as everyone says it is, if it was, I’d be a very happy person right now; ecstatic and always optimistic. 


I’m not, don’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy; it’s gotten worse lately and I’m not sure I know why, all I know is that I’m still angry at a lot of things that have happened in the past; I’m angry at all those times I have given myself, almost all of myself for the happiness of someone else and what do I get in return?


All my acts of kindness trashed, taken for granted, stamped on, torn apart and thrown back at me. When I like someone I give my all, naturally, I can’t help myself but I at least expect to be treated in the same way or maybe just appreciated or maybe if for once someone made me their all, the centre of their world; just once…maybe then I’d feel like I deserve some things. 


Maybe its me, maybe I do something wrong or maybe I’m just bad in bed…it’s not like I can go back and ask them so I guess we’ll never find out.
Going through a pretty rough time, might explain my recent meltdown, not to mention my recently magnified daddy issues… 

The Joys Life Constantly Dishes Out

I’m just loving life more and more with each freaking day! Screw happiness, some things were not meant for everyone, not everyone can be happy; lesson of the freaking year!



Is there really a point to loving someone if all they’re going to cost you is pain without measure? Are the tears worth it? So tired of crying..difference between Snuggles and Dimples (if that’s even the name I used in this blog, don’t care to check) is that I actually think Snuggles is worth it. He’s a noble man with issues, I’m a good girl with issues, what’s to stop us from being together? Plus we have that beauty spot at the exact same place on our necks and we both have strange feet



I don’t get why there should be pain so early in our relationship, at 5months un-officially and 4months one day officially we should still be in our honeymoon stage, did we even have that? Sigh!
We were never really friends and the very tiny optimistic, hopeful part of me sees this as an opportunity to become actual friends who don’t have sex, or something..sigh! My life sucks constantly, I dunno what I do to offend the universe, I mean I try not to litter and cause pollution of any kind and I think I’m a fairly good earthian citizen with a few exceptions, pretty sure the universe is not a perfectionist..maybe it’s just bad karma from something I did…either way I’m glad that snuggles is a good man, just sad at his issues. Just don’t want anyone else but him


Had a happier weekend than I anticipated, ok maybe happier should be substituted for drunker but nothing beats friends and alcohol when you’re depressed, nothing! maybe God, I wouldn’t know, I’m not the best at turning to spiritual nourishment when all I want is spirit-induced bliss.


Danced in the rain at blankets and wine, so cool. Its really strange how coincidentally we all had white clothes on, on the day it decides to pour for hours on end and your outdoors drunk and dancing, murphy’s law.
I find it a bit disturbing how I write so well when I’m sad; almost like depression releases the talent within, maybe that is the reason I was created a fairly dark person, raw inspiration, besides who wants to read happy stuff anyway?

Showers

When it rains it pours, I thought I was just having a couple of bad days, didn't think that they'd turn so bad snuggles and I would be in a deseert storm and not in sight of each other. I'm down, I want to get up but my legs fail me, my chest is heaving in frustration and the winds are biting at my skin, making it impossible to see..




I miss him, I want him here with me, I was finally settling into a happy place but the universe had other plans, does it not understand that this is the man I have chosen and I have no desire to even think of anyone else? Sigh! If it wasn't a break and be in the deepest of slumps; so many thoughts are going through me, have been going through me since last night; what is wrong with me? It must be me



Last night was crazy emotional, my heart felt like the life was slowly being squeezed out of  it, then it went numb, then it just slacked in despair. It wanted to fight for its source of many happy moments and reason for so many of its skipped beats but the fight in me was fading with each painful beat of realization. When he held me and my whole body was raked with sobs, I was scared that if I let him go, it'll be forever..



I'm seated in class not even trying to pay attention to this dude going on and on...I want to walk out and go back to my bed and weep



Wish I lived in a movie, when at my lowest point the man of my dreams would just come and sweep me off my feet, realise that all this was a huge mistake and that he can't live without me because he's in love with me and I'm the girl of his dreams.


Time to go, screw this lecturer

The spot on the wall

So when I think about it, maybe the reason why I can’t always sleep is coz I don’t exercise enough, not every time, sometimes!! I exercise sometimes, I consider walking up the four flights of stairs to my sister’s house an invigorating work out; not to mention I go the extra mile and walk all the way to her house from mine (a ten minute walk) sometimes under the sweltering sun! Anyway I sleep best after sex, which is probably where I exert myself the most, shame on me!! My parents would blush in dismay at this confession but its true; I however intend to improve my living habits, this decision was solidified after a visit to my obgyn had me standing on the weighing scale and me reasoning in my shock at my weight that I had on really heavy shoes plus my jacket; those two must have added that extra 5 or so kgs…till I asked cuddles to guess my weight and he guessed just about right! Damn!! So I’ll take on a regimen, I cant talk about it just yet just in case I jinx my perfect 10 future body then I’ll sell it and make money to buy my new wardrobe, genius

I’m trying to stay calm with God running his humour all up in my life, for example, how could He just sit back and watch while the one person I manage to detest with greater vigour each passing day rents a house right above my parents rental? He must have giggled in anticipation while awaiting my reaction upon receiving the news; thanks a lot.

I’ve been feeling pretty miserable this last couple of days, not sure exactly what brings along these outbursts of hormones every other week, I’m not exaggerating; today i tried something different though, instead of sitting back and hating the world; kinda got tired of doing that after a whole week of brooding, I did some actual exercise and for the life of me i can’t recall what had me so worked up earlier, almost as good as retail therapy, just way way cheaper!

I have an 11.05 am class, if I don’t sleep now I’ll spend tomorrow hating the world and all its inhabitants, I do that, I let out my frustrations on poor, unsuspecting citizens just going about their day..

So I forgot how therapeutic writing was, especially at these hours of the night that I spend self pitying. I hate this damn miserable weather!! I hate my school more for not allowing me to be sexy and warm at the same time; pretty sure Christians in Jesus’ day wore short, sexy garments if they pleased, don’t remember Him making any rules on type of dress acceptable; nkt

I’m back bitches!

Heh! don’t even remember the last time I sat down and wrote anything worth posting! I do that sometimes..I just let life pass me by and not really give a shit; think it’s my way of coping with certain things.

Today however, I knew I had to write, maybe it’s my new desk in my room, it’s the first time I have my very own desk in my room without it being a dorm room!! Its the small things I guess, I'm so excited!!! I even bought it an extravagant candle and put dug out my old pink high school clock to ornament my new acquisition. It makes my whole room smell of new wood yaay!

So much has happened/changed/transpired since I last wrote I really wouldn’t be bothered to go through everything. Highlights; I’m still with cuddles, yup it shocks even I; I think I can now say on record that I never want to be associated with Dimples ever again and everything else is pretty much the same.

I’m still more dark and moody than cheery and smiley, somehow I still manage to be a romantic through all of that and now that I’m learning how to work photo shop and illustrator and in-design I think I will practice my skills here; that is once I actually start paying attention in class, or I get a personal tutor with abs and a motivating smile; I’d go pro

Ok then..think this qualifies to be my re-introductory post

whimsical early morning musings

It’s 4:51 am, I can’t sleep, been awhile since my last bout with insomnia, this time I can’t even diagnose what the reason could be, except that I’ve been having this recent dependence on caffeine, not the soft, coffee kind of caffeine, the harder more ruthless redbull kind of caffeine; guess I needed to fill a gap in my life, maybe turning to something that could lead to a dependence has been my way of coping with recent instabilities…the headaches are close to the worst I’ve ever had, starts with a searing pain through my eyes, followed by a heavy throbbing between my ears, right through to my forehead. It is so bad it blurs my sight and painkillers just take the edge off the pain, leaving behind the dull ache that is possibly causing my insomnia, dammit! Why does this always happen on days when I should be up within a few hours?!




ION, I still haven’t gotten used to my boyfriend’s absence, well it has gotten easier since he kept his promise to communicate, but I still miss him terribly, Saturday I wished the world would just end, would it really be a worse feeling than what I was feeling then seated there watching happy couples with no worries in the world, drunk in each others love? Maybe the hundreds of hormones surging through my body had something to do with it…maybe that’s how I actually felt, we shall not dwell..Good thing I’m a freak for photos to capture every possible moment otherwise I’d have to depend on my not-so-good memory to recall our moments, maybe my mind would create a different guy with a different smile and different hair and when he finally comes through the door eager to see me I wouldn’t recognize my own boyfriend’s smile and arms and hair, gawsh it would be like meeting a hot stranger at my door, I’d forget my boyfriend and fall head over heels for this other guy and have a secret affair for years till one of us is caught then we'd have to die because the misery of living apart is just not worth it.




School started, it’s not half bad, I still play snakes and ladders and x and o’s when not thinking up fairy tales or writing down fantasies while occasionally answering the random question and looking over my neighbour’s shoulder for notes, the other neighbour not playing snakes and ladders with me but I still enjoy it. It’s nice seeing more than the usual three regular people in my life everyday, not that I talk much to anyone..when did I become such a loner? 
Growing up I was a social butterfly who loved making new friends and just living life. I’d talk to strangers on the bus, exchange numbers at coffee shops, smile at cute strangers on the street and wink back at the dude on the dirt bike cruising past me on the street, I’ve become this boring, old girl with a scowl on sunny, happy days and a smile on grey days…maybe global warming affects more than just the weather..

Day 4,5…8

The days are finally flying past, it took long enough for them to take off! That and school is starting again, less time to think about my existence, more stress hence a search for more fun, but first I had to get out of town, to a place where two duvets at night has to be supplemented with a two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, woollen socks and pjs, the days are grey but it’s quiet, there’s no pressure, no other people that aren’t family and loads of fresh air. It’s lovely, wonder how much damage it’ll do to my school work if I stay all week…what the hell, we’ll just have to find out…I still miss him a whole lot but he’s gotta work, see how I’ve grown?




Saturday I went shopping, then drinking, then the happy front I’d been putting out for all the world to see came tumbling down in floods of tears, Snuggles was a darling, I was probably wailing on the phone at some point, no more cocktails for me, that’s where Miriam resides, in cocktails and hormones..damn!




All this talk about rapture and the end of the world is getting tired!! Just watched Angelica Zambarano’s interview, she’s going on and on and on…about her experience with Jesus when she passed out, scratch that died!! for 23hours and saw heaven and hell, and the pope and Michael Jackson chillin in the same space in hell oh yea and the late Spanish musician Selena Quintanilla, doubt anyone I know knows her, and why would you? She sang and wrote songs in Latin, she was pretty big among the Latin Americans though, couple of winning albums, singles and some other awards I wouldn’t care much for; she was important enough though, for George Bush to declare the day she was murdered “Selena Day”. Why does her name sound like a mboch saying Serena?




So I think that was the last trigger, had a nasty nightmare that everyone was raptured in my family except me, somehow the emotion that elicited apart from panic was humiliation coz somehow in my dream my dad was self righteously using me as an example to what happens to bad people, thankfully as soon as they mercifully left for heaven all my friends were still around, it didn’t even feel half bad being left by all the holy people on earth for eternal damnation once we all got together.
Still, I woke up in a panic, maybe it’s really coming to an end…I hope not, I want to fall in love, get married, kids, millions..I’m way too young!

Day 3

Well day 3 is about over, today wasn’t half bad…woke up so sad I shut my eyes again hoping that maybe it wasn’t real, probably the last parts of my bad dream and woke up 3hours later just as depressed but with a rumbling stomach to make it all the more depressing, wonder how truly depressed people feel like…it must really, really suck

I made a whole loaf of french toast for me and my housemate, took four slices and mopped back to my room…I’m gaining weight at an alarming rate, it’s fuckin depressing!! I was in denial now I see it in my ability to easily eat four slices of french toast and wonder if one more would mean greed. Only thing that can help me is appetite suppressants, I’m too lazy to work out, anything beyond moderate-paced walking is out of the question. Starvation, consistent starvation.

So I convinced my sister to take me shopping, had to leave the house, it had been 3days, needed a reason to smile, to be happy, even for awhile…we went shopping, for the first time in almost a week I felt truly happy, as in joy and tranquillity down to my very soul,  nothing beats therapy like getting new bags, shoes and clothes. For about 3hours I felt truly happy, wonder if joy feels like that, contentment, like nothing can touch this!!











Till I got home and tried out all my new clothes and all I saw was all the extra curves that have developed that weren't there 6 weeks ago..before I got a boyfriend and grew lazy or rather nestled in the comfort that we were both gaining weight and every time I noted that I might be gaining weight he showed me his bigger love handle and we laughed it off. Shame on me! Losing weight is such a bore though…no more sugar



So as I sit here sipppin on Famous, trying to not to feel sorry for myself, trying not to think of how Snuggles suddenly went quiet in the middle of our texts, seeing as it’s well past midnight, he may have fallen asleep; a goodnight would have been nice. I mean we have a full 17 days without seeing each other, the least he could do is reply my freaking texts!!




It’s too early in the month to start being selfish and unreasonable so I’ll give it a rest and just admit that I probably just miss him or something…

Day 2

Day two, Snuggles has been gone more than 24 hours now, I feel like my body is still in shock coz I’m fine, I miss him, especially last night when it was the first day of the full moon, if he’d stayed one more day it would have been our second full moon together, it’s so cool that we both appreciate it, I’m guessing for two different reasons seeing as I’m such a romantic and while he tries…yea doubt his appreciation of the lunar system is romantic based.


I can do twenty days of his absence, with much difficulty, but it can be done..its more than twenty days that starts to worry me, then I think that if I’m in this for the long haul, then this are just temporary hurdles that we’ll look back at and dismiss, barely remembering that small twick in our relationship. Yea, I’m turning to a positive spirit to take me through


So to keep me busy as the days hopefully fly past, I have started a flickr account for all my photo addiction habits, Koki, how do you not have an account? your a photo maniac! 
I'll try blog everyday its easier if I make it the 20day diary but that would just sound obsessive and weird..the weeks will just fly by…i hope!


So today I get this strange nightmare; i was getting attacked by kukus, many hens!! woke up sweating and with a mad tummy ache, dunno if they’re related..


Yesterday was a harder day, I guess it gets easier so long as I do stuff and we talk...painted my nails bright red and my fingers bright blue, I want to colour my hair ,maybe have it cut, join a gym...everything about me suddenly seems so dull and predictable, getting out of the house is the hardest part, tomorrow I'll try again, won't lose hope because today I tried and couldn't..

Day 1

It’s day one Snuggles has left for Loki, it’s sad, I’m sad but seeing as there’s not much I can do I guess we just have to brave it, we goes for me, Kaki and hormonal, emotional and irrational Miriam who takes the tiniest of things with a lot more gusto



I've formulated a plan that should leave Miriam a happier, less stressed, more relaxed person, week one should fly as I have stuff to do everyday, salon, movies, job interviews, drinking plans, gals night in, then Nyeri for a week, the last week shouldn’t be that hard to deal with…I'll be fine! will I? sigh!! I already miss him and it’s just been two hours, poor me.




I miss everything, his smile, his light, easy way of looking at stuff, his sleepy face with his long eyelashes clouding his whole face, his mock judgmental tone in his voice when we cook together, poking him…that’s as far as I can go without tearing up…






The weeks will come and go, we’ll have bigger, more scarier issues to deal with, I’m not going to let anxiety take over me, that’s when Miriam takes over…


Oh well, let’s see what this distance does to us, it could make us stronger…

mellow moments..

 You know those nights you have with the guy you really liked, there was alcohol and typical you ends up pouring out your heart and as the night progresses your big fat mouth just has to say things that you cannot think of sober without cringing? That might be what I’m feeling right about now..


What happened to me? I was this hopeless romantic that believed in happily ever after and ‘meant to be’ and fate and ‘the one’, and ‘the man of my dreams’, well admittedly I believed in a lot of those terms as recently as Dimple, think as short as that lasted it left a deeper mark than I thought, thanks God we moved on from that wreck, the bruises will heal with time..yesterday I was cooking for Snuggles and it occurred to me that I still harbour a lot of bitterness for past men who’ve been in my life, I’m still angry, more at myself for taking shit when I would have walked away, as difficult as it might have been at the time, the best decisions are the hardest to make. That’s how we learn the toughest lessons I guess..




Recent events in my life have started to make me think twice about phrases, ways of looking at life that I was finally giving up on. Meeting Snuggles was no wild romantic story, I had my reserved thoughts, he had his wilder ones, but as the days progressed, we started to connect despite ourselves, we’d find ourselves talking for hours on end, sometimes just sitting in comfortable, charged silence letting our minds wonder, I tried, still try not to let my wandering, romantic head go too far for fear of yet another let down, I figured it was simpler, easier on me. Besides we had just about four weeks before he had to go back to work in his faraway, deserted land for weeks on end, a future, even a month ahead was asking too much from a man who’s more in the middle of nowhere with no phone service than within my reach so the last thing I was going to do was have any expectations. 



Three weeks in and I started to realise that I might just miss this guy when he goes back.I would sigh to myself and wonder when good things would ever start happening to me in that sector of my life..



The days drew closer, I’d thought of praying about it and did it quietly, figured it was his last four weeks there, that had to be a sign that maybe things would work out for us, the weeks would fly by and before I knew it he’d be back; but the strangest thing happened, he called one night and told me he was done with going to that distant place, that he’d be around, he wasn’t going anywhere in the immediate picture. 



I was confused, the turn of events was almost mystical. He was going to stay, we had a chance, was that what that meant or was I reading too much into something that wasn’t even there to begin with?
Well he didn’t go, he has two weeks before that contract expires so even if he goes it’ll just be two bearable weeks without my cool boyfriend.


May 5th is our official date, he makes me feel like life can actually turn out not so bad after all, that sometimes when we pray at the right time God actually considers what you ask for and just might give it to you. Maybe He makes some stuff meant to be..

my marred, random passing of the hours..

It’s been awhile since I had insomnia, maybe I’ve been trouble-free or as some would call it, happy. I’m happy, well a lot happier than I’ve been in awhile, it’s just that the hormones have kicked in, so basically I’m depressed for almost no reason at all…Jesus it’s hard being a woman!

So it’s when your lying in bed with nothing but your hormonally biased thoughts that you really think about your life and wonder if your heading in the right direction, all aspects of your life; my fuck-ups and comparatively very few achievements, is my school work the best it could be?
of course not, I’m always too busy dealing with one thing or other to care too much about that, I’ve never really been one for school, even when I love what I do, I get bored, restless, and the routine drives me crazy, eventually almost indifferent, unless there’s a motivational factor, dunno what that would have to be right now, something out of this world to get me out of this slump…

Then I think about my past mistakes, the screw ups are so many, I look back at the men I’ve dated, it’s distressing;  I say with assurance that I am not the problem, it’s almost never me, it’s not my fault it doesn’t work out when you tell me your in love with me on the third day and expect me not to freak out, or you took eight months to decide that maybe then you could ask me out, you can’t blame me for moving on, shouldn’t have taken eight months to walk, should have been three, but hey we learn each time don’t we?

Can’t believe I obsessed so much over Dimple though, feel like crying for myself, looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see his psychosis, if we were pals, I’d refer him to a great therapist who’s been known to work wonders on special cases such as his that other psychiatrists would throw their hands up in defeat for.. Gawsh how does it happen that I thought a deranged psych case was the man of my dreams? I must really start going to church more often…

I’m starting to feel like I’m mopping instead of writing but I guess since this is my blog, my writing space, I can write  whatever the hell I dim important at this moment, right now I’m just glad I’m writing again, it was touch and go for a couple of weeks…scary

I’ve met someone that I’m starting to care for, given my track record I should be on a pretty neutral gear here but this is me, my head says one thing, my heart rules with a stronger mind of it’s own, we’re so alike and somehow still so different its chilling, not going to jinx this one with too much talk of my immediate feelings, one thing I learned from Dimple, don’t pay too much attention to your emotions, I need to learn how not to spin my world around a person and be maintain my own person through all this light-headed giddiness.

It’s the wee hours of the morning, I should be up in three and a half hours, I’m so screwed, but now that I’ve done what I know best I guess my mind can finally set me free

My attempt at poetry

This is my attempt at poetry,









This is to the man with the dimpled smile, the man whose eyes go so deep I want to reach out and sink into their depth;








This is for the man with the shoulders that go on forever, whose hands make me feel like a princess;


This is for the man who with his mere presence makes my days and is capable of ruining my week with a word;


This is to the man I am learning more and more about with each passing day, and with each day I care for more…




You came by when I had finally given up and decided this shit wasn’t worth it anymore, that I could do just fine on my own, maybe never get butterflies in my stomach when I’m about to surprise the man i care for anymore, never go out of my way to do nice things for him and feel every bit of my effort rewarded with the look on his face, maybe never have to stare into his eyes and get lost in their intensity and possibly never feel that overpowering take of emotions that makes you want to grab him and squeeze the life out of him; but I was going to be just fine without a man in my life.


It could not have taken me by any more surprise, there was no immediate connection where our eyes met and at once we knew we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together! We didn’t brush hands by accident and immediately a shock wave shot through our bodies and after that all we wanted were a few minutes by ourselves, I refused to even look at him for too long, so what if he was cute and had dimples (my weakness) and curly hair and big shoulders?


The world is crawling with cute, dimpled, curly-haired guys with big shoulders and adorable smiles! (ok maybe that’s a slight exaggeration on my part )but those are the guys who crash your heart into a million tiny, pieces that take forever to tape back. Didn’t wanna pay too much attention just in case…





It’s his person that got me, his way of looking at the world, his light-humoured approach to life…his theories, his charm, him.
Guess I can’t write poetry, always end up doin this mushy, eeky shit, sigh!

silly ol’ me

At first I thought it must be his dimples, no his eyes, probably his smile, must be how good he smelt when he came close…

but now when I think about it, there’s no way physical factors such as those can have me so tied up in all these rollercoaster emotions I’m trying so desperately to tame, no way its how he looks, adorable as as he is, it’s the small things like not bitching when he’s come to pick me up from school and my class isn’t over and he has to wait 30minutes,

the small things like when i make him go to church an hour early so we can get a seat and still being a sport;

chilling with me when mama’s calling her mama’s boy…small things that make me think he could be a lovely addition to my life.

Now I try not to think that he may never ask me to be his gal officially, that it could be left un-defined, that he might meet another girl who intrigues him more than I do, who can cook better and comes from a better part of town who he could prefer and choose over me…