It’s 4:51 am, I can’t sleep, been awhile since my last bout with insomnia, this time I can’t even diagnose what the reason could be, except that I’ve been having this recent dependence on caffeine, not the soft, coffee kind of caffeine, the harder more ruthless redbull kind of caffeine; guess I needed to fill a gap in my life, maybe turning to something that could lead to a dependence has been my way of coping with recent instabilities…the headaches are close to the worst I’ve ever had, starts with a searing pain through my eyes, followed by a heavy throbbing between my ears, right through to my forehead. It is so bad it blurs my sight and painkillers just take the edge off the pain, leaving behind the dull ache that is possibly causing my insomnia, dammit! Why does this always happen on days when I should be up within a few hours?!
ION, I still haven’t gotten used to my boyfriend’s absence, well it has gotten easier since he kept his promise to communicate, but I still miss him terribly, Saturday I wished the world would just end, would it really be a worse feeling than what I was feeling then seated there watching happy couples with no worries in the world, drunk in each others love? Maybe the hundreds of hormones surging through my body had something to do with it…maybe that’s how I actually felt, we shall not dwell..Good thing I’m a freak for photos to capture every possible moment otherwise I’d have to depend on my not-so-good memory to recall our moments, maybe my mind would create a different guy with a different smile and different hair and when he finally comes through the door eager to see me I wouldn’t recognize my own boyfriend’s smile and arms and hair, gawsh it would be like meeting a hot stranger at my door, I’d forget my boyfriend and fall head over heels for this other guy and have a secret affair for years till one of us is caught then we'd have to die because the misery of living apart is just not worth it.
School started, it’s not half bad, I still play snakes and ladders and x and o’s when not thinking up fairy tales or writing down fantasies while occasionally answering the random question and looking over my neighbour’s shoulder for notes, the other neighbour not playing snakes and ladders with me but I still enjoy it. It’s nice seeing more than the usual three regular people in my life everyday, not that I talk much to anyone..when did I become such a loner?
Growing up I was a social butterfly who loved making new friends and just living life. I’d talk to strangers on the bus, exchange numbers at coffee shops, smile at cute strangers on the street and wink back at the dude on the dirt bike cruising past me on the street, I’ve become this boring, old girl with a scowl on sunny, happy days and a smile on grey days…maybe global warming affects more than just the weather..
The days are finally flying past, it took long enough for them to take off! That and school is starting again, less time to think about my existence, more stress hence a search for more fun, but first I had to get out of town, to a place where two duvets at night has to be supplemented with a two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, woollen socks and pjs, the days are grey but it’s quiet, there’s no pressure, no other people that aren’t family and loads of fresh air. It’s lovely, wonder how much damage it’ll do to my school work if I stay all week…what the hell, we’ll just have to find out…I still miss him a whole lot but he’s gotta work, see how I’ve grown?
Saturday I went shopping, then drinking, then the happy front I’d been putting out for all the world to see came tumbling down in floods of tears, Snuggles was a darling, I was probably wailing on the phone at some point, no more cocktails for me, that’s where Miriam resides, in cocktails and hormones..damn!
All this talk about rapture and the end of the world is getting tired!! Just watched Angelica Zambarano’s interview, she’s going on and on and on…about her experience with Jesus when she passed out, scratch that died!! for 23hours and saw heaven and hell, and the pope and Michael Jackson chillin in the same space in hell oh yea and the late Spanish musician Selena Quintanilla, doubt anyone I know knows her, and why would you? She sang and wrote songs in Latin, she was pretty big among the Latin Americans though, couple of winning albums, singles and some other awards I wouldn’t care much for; she was important enough though, for George Bush to declare the day she was murdered “Selena Day”. Why does her name sound like a mboch saying Serena?
So I think that was the last trigger, had a nasty nightmare that everyone was raptured in my family except me, somehow the emotion that elicited apart from panic was humiliation coz somehow in my dream my dad was self righteously using me as an example to what happens to bad people, thankfully as soon as they mercifully left for heaven all my friends were still around, it didn’t even feel half bad being left by all the holy people on earth for eternal damnation once we all got together.
Still, I woke up in a panic, maybe it’s really coming to an end…I hope not, I want to fall in love, get married, kids, millions..I’m way too young!
Well day 3 is about over, today wasn’t half bad…woke up so sad I shut my eyes again hoping that maybe it wasn’t real, probably the last parts of my bad dream and woke up 3hours later just as depressed but with a rumbling stomach to make it all the more depressing, wonder how truly depressed people feel like…it must really, really suck
I made a whole loaf of french toast for me and my housemate, took four slices and mopped back to my room…I’m gaining weight at an alarming rate, it’s fuckin depressing!! I was in denial now I see it in my ability to easily eat four slices of french toast and wonder if one more would mean greed. Only thing that can help me is appetite suppressants, I’m too lazy to work out, anything beyond moderate-paced walking is out of the question. Starvation, consistent starvation.
So I convinced my sister to take me shopping, had to leave the house, it had been 3days, needed a reason to smile, to be happy, even for awhile…we went shopping, for the first time in almost a week I felt truly happy, as in joy and tranquillity down to my very soul, nothing beats therapy like getting new bags, shoes and clothes. For about 3hours I felt truly happy, wonder if joy feels like that, contentment, like nothing can touch this!!
Till I got home and tried out all my new clothes and all I saw was all the extra curves that have developed that weren't there 6 weeks ago..before I got a boyfriend and grew lazy or rather nestled in the comfort that we were both gaining weight and every time I noted that I might be gaining weight he showed me his bigger love handle and we laughed it off. Shame on me! Losing weight is such a bore though…no more sugar
So as I sit here sipppin on Famous, trying to not to feel sorry for myself, trying not to think of how Snuggles suddenly went quiet in the middle of our texts, seeing as it’s well past midnight, he may have fallen asleep; a goodnight would have been nice. I mean we have a full 17 days without seeing each other, the least he could do is reply my freaking texts!!
It’s too early in the month to start being selfish and unreasonable so I’ll give it a rest and just admit that I probably just miss him or something…
Day two, Snuggles has been gone more than 24 hours now, I feel like my body is still in shock coz I’m fine, I miss him, especially last night when it was the first day of the full moon, if he’d stayed one more day it would have been our second full moon together, it’s so cool that we both appreciate it, I’m guessing for two different reasons seeing as I’m such a romantic and while he tries…yea doubt his appreciation of the lunar system is romantic based.
I can do twenty days of his absence, with much difficulty, but it can be done..its more than twenty days that starts to worry me, then I think that if I’m in this for the long haul, then this are just temporary hurdles that we’ll look back at and dismiss, barely remembering that small twick in our relationship. Yea, I’m turning to a positive spirit to take me through 
So to keep me busy as the days hopefully fly past, I have started a flickr account for all my photo addiction habits, Koki, how do you not have an account? your a photo maniac!
I'll try blog everyday its easier if I make it the 20day diary but that would just sound obsessive and weird..the weeks will just fly by…i hope!
So today I get this strange nightmare; i was getting attacked by kukus, many hens!! woke up sweating and with a mad tummy ache, dunno if they’re related..
Yesterday was a harder day, I guess it gets easier so long as I do stuff and we talk...painted my nails bright red and my fingers bright blue, I want to colour my hair ,maybe have it cut, join a gym...everything about me suddenly seems so dull and predictable, getting out of the house is the hardest part, tomorrow I'll try again, won't lose hope because today I tried and couldn't..
It’s day one Snuggles has left for Loki, it’s sad, I’m sad but seeing as there’s not much I can do I guess we just have to brave it, we goes for me, Kaki and hormonal, emotional and irrational Miriam who takes the tiniest of things with a lot more gusto
I've formulated a plan that should leave Miriam a happier, less stressed, more relaxed person, week one should fly as I have stuff to do everyday, salon, movies, job interviews, drinking plans, gals night in, then Nyeri for a week, the last week shouldn’t be that hard to deal with…I'll be fine! will I? sigh!! I already miss him and it’s just been two hours, poor me.
I miss everything, his smile, his light, easy way of looking at stuff, his sleepy face with his long eyelashes clouding his whole face, his mock judgmental tone in his voice when we cook together, poking him…that’s as far as I can go without tearing up…
The weeks will come and go, we’ll have bigger, more scarier issues to deal with, I’m not going to let anxiety take over me, that’s when Miriam takes over…
Oh well, let’s see what this distance does to us, it could make us stronger…
You know those nights you have with the guy you really liked, there was alcohol and typical you ends up pouring out your heart and as the night progresses your big fat mouth just has to say things that you cannot think of sober without cringing? That might be what I’m feeling right about now..
What happened to me? I was this hopeless romantic that believed in happily ever after and ‘meant to be’ and fate and ‘the one’, and ‘the man of my dreams’, well admittedly I believed in a lot of those terms as recently as Dimple, think as short as that lasted it left a deeper mark than I thought, thanks God we moved on from that wreck, the bruises will heal with time..yesterday I was cooking for Snuggles and it occurred to me that I still harbour a lot of bitterness for past men who’ve been in my life, I’m still angry, more at myself for taking shit when I would have walked away, as difficult as it might have been at the time, the best decisions are the hardest to make. That’s how we learn the toughest lessons I guess..
Recent events in my life have started to make me think twice about phrases, ways of looking at life that I was finally giving up on. Meeting Snuggles was no wild romantic story, I had my reserved thoughts, he had his wilder ones, but as the days progressed, we started to connect despite ourselves, we’d find ourselves talking for hours on end, sometimes just sitting in comfortable, charged silence letting our minds wonder, I tried, still try not to let my wandering, romantic head go too far for fear of yet another let down, I figured it was simpler, easier on me. Besides we had just about four weeks before he had to go back to work in his faraway, deserted land for weeks on end, a future, even a month ahead was asking too much from a man who’s more in the middle of nowhere with no phone service than within my reach so the last thing I was going to do was have any expectations.
Three weeks in and I started to realise that I might just miss this guy when he goes back.I would sigh to myself and wonder when good things would ever start happening to me in that sector of my life..
The days drew closer, I’d thought of praying about it and did it quietly, figured it was his last four weeks there, that had to be a sign that maybe things would work out for us, the weeks would fly by and before I knew it he’d be back; but the strangest thing happened, he called one night and told me he was done with going to that distant place, that he’d be around, he wasn’t going anywhere in the immediate picture.
I was confused, the turn of events was almost mystical. He was going to stay, we had a chance, was that what that meant or was I reading too much into something that wasn’t even there to begin with?
Well he didn’t go, he has two weeks before that contract expires so even if he goes it’ll just be two bearable weeks without my cool boyfriend.
May 5th is our official date, he makes me feel like life can actually turn out not so bad after all, that sometimes when we pray at the right time God actually considers what you ask for and just might give it to you. Maybe He makes some stuff meant to be..
It’s been awhile since I had insomnia, maybe I’ve been trouble-free or as some would call it, happy. I’m happy, well a lot happier than I’ve been in awhile, it’s just that the hormones have kicked in, so basically I’m depressed for almost no reason at all…Jesus it’s hard being a woman!
So it’s when your lying in bed with nothing but your hormonally biased thoughts that you really think about your life and wonder if your heading in the right direction, all aspects of your life; my fuck-ups and comparatively very few achievements, is my school work the best it could be?
of course not, I’m always too busy dealing with one thing or other to care too much about that, I’ve never really been one for school, even when I love what I do, I get bored, restless, and the routine drives me crazy, eventually almost indifferent, unless there’s a motivational factor, dunno what that would have to be right now, something out of this world to get me out of this slump…
Then I think about my past mistakes, the screw ups are so many, I look back at the men I’ve dated, it’s distressing; I say with assurance that I am not the problem, it’s almost never me, it’s not my fault it doesn’t work out when you tell me your in love with me on the third day and expect me not to freak out, or you took eight months to decide that maybe then you could ask me out, you can’t blame me for moving on, shouldn’t have taken eight months to walk, should have been three, but hey we learn each time don’t we?
Can’t believe I obsessed so much over Dimple though, feel like crying for myself, looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see his psychosis, if we were pals, I’d refer him to a great therapist who’s been known to work wonders on special cases such as his that other psychiatrists would throw their hands up in defeat for.. Gawsh how does it happen that I thought a deranged psych case was the man of my dreams? I must really start going to church more often…
I’m starting to feel like I’m mopping instead of writing but I guess since this is my blog, my writing space, I can write whatever the hell I dim important at this moment, right now I’m just glad I’m writing again, it was touch and go for a couple of weeks…scary
I’ve met someone that I’m starting to care for, given my track record I should be on a pretty neutral gear here but this is me, my head says one thing, my heart rules with a stronger mind of it’s own, we’re so alike and somehow still so different its chilling, not going to jinx this one with too much talk of my immediate feelings, one thing I learned from Dimple, don’t pay too much attention to your emotions, I need to learn how not to spin my world around a person and be maintain my own person through all this light-headed giddiness.
It’s the wee hours of the morning, I should be up in three and a half hours, I’m so screwed, but now that I’ve done what I know best I guess my mind can finally set me free
This is my attempt at poetry,
This is to the man with the dimpled smile, the man whose eyes go so deep I want to reach out and sink into their depth;
This is for the man with the shoulders that go on forever, whose hands make me feel like a princess;
This is for the man who with his mere presence makes my days and is capable of ruining my week with a word;
This is to the man I am learning more and more about with each passing day, and with each day I care for more…
You came by when I had finally given up and decided this shit wasn’t worth it anymore, that I could do just fine on my own, maybe never get butterflies in my stomach when I’m about to surprise the man i care for anymore, never go out of my way to do nice things for him and feel every bit of my effort rewarded with the look on his face, maybe never have to stare into his eyes and get lost in their intensity and possibly never feel that overpowering take of emotions that makes you want to grab him and squeeze the life out of him; but I was going to be just fine without a man in my life.
It could not have taken me by any more surprise, there was no immediate connection where our eyes met and at once we knew we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together! We didn’t brush hands by accident and immediately a shock wave shot through our bodies and after that all we wanted were a few minutes by ourselves, I refused to even look at him for too long, so what if he was cute and had dimples (my weakness) and curly hair and big shoulders?
The world is crawling with cute, dimpled, curly-haired guys with big shoulders and adorable smiles! (ok maybe that’s a slight exaggeration on my part )
but those are the guys who crash your heart into a million tiny, pieces that take forever to tape back. Didn’t wanna pay too much attention just in case…
It’s his person that got me, his way of looking at the world, his light-humoured approach to life…his theories, his charm, him.
Guess I can’t write poetry, always end up doin this mushy, eeky shit, sigh!
It’s 4:51 am, I can’t sleep, been awhile since my last bout with insomnia, this time I can’t even diagnose what the reason could be, except that I’ve been having this recent dependence on caffeine, not the soft, coffee kind of caffeine, the harder more ruthless redbull kind of caffeine; guess I needed to fill a gap in my life, maybe turning to something that could lead to a dependence has been my way of coping with recent instabilities…the headaches are close to the worst I’ve ever had, starts with a searing pain through my eyes, followed by a heavy throbbing between my ears, right through to my forehead. It is so bad it blurs my sight and painkillers just take the edge off the pain, leaving behind the dull ache that is possibly causing my insomnia, dammit! Why does this always happen on days when I should be up within a few hours?!
ION, I still haven’t gotten used to my boyfriend’s absence, well it has gotten easier since he kept his promise to communicate, but I still miss him terribly, Saturday I wished the world would just end, would it really be a worse feeling than what I was feeling then seated there watching happy couples with no worries in the world, drunk in each others love? Maybe the hundreds of hormones surging through my body had something to do with it…maybe that’s how I actually felt, we shall not dwell..Good thing I’m a freak for photos to capture every possible moment otherwise I’d have to depend on my not-so-good memory to recall our moments, maybe my mind would create a different guy with a different smile and different hair and when he finally comes through the door eager to see me I wouldn’t recognize my own boyfriend’s smile and arms and hair, gawsh it would be like meeting a hot stranger at my door, I’d forget my boyfriend and fall head over heels for this other guy and have a secret affair for years till one of us is caught then we'd have to die because the misery of living apart is just not worth it.
