Patches of Blue

It’s 3.30pm Friday afternoon, I’ve spent my whole day in bed, weird how I still feel exhausted and really not in the mood to leave here without an incentive, an alcohol-based incentive.

One of the reasons I’ve been so sad is because I’m hormonal, plus the weather, it sucks ass. Right after I force Nyambura to take me bikini shopping because there was finally some promise of sunshine...life..




That and the man I have been falling in love with is at a point where being a dick and taking me for granted is all he has to offer for my efforts; I’m being punished for all the shit he’s going through as if I contributed to even one of his problems, jeez! Just trying to be there for him and he’s being such a douche, don’t even know what I do to deserve this shit or if it’s even worth it. Is it?


Why can’t I catch a break?! Tonight I’ll turn to alcohol to drown all my sad days and sleepless nights, don’t care how I will deal with tomorrow; let tomorrow worry about itself, isn’t there a verse like that somewhere in the Bible?


I've been watching the new Justin T. movie; Friends with benefits a lot lately, 7-10 times in the past two weeks, it’s one of those movies that helps you escape to a better place, a happier place full of humour and love; and even when Dylan and Jamie have a falling out; he feels incomplete and miserable and keeps trying to call her and she’s a wreck but it doesn’t take long before he realises he’s in love with his best friend or does it? The movie doesn’t say, but it looks like a week, it could be longer, problem with me is that, I can’t watch his phone ring and not pick up, and when he doesn’t talk to me, I want to cry and every time he says he can’t hook up with me, I feel crushed. Is there something wrong with me?


I guess I just like him, but maybe even I should be a bit proud and have a life. Is it my fault that I want to be adored, that I believe in prince charming and happy endings and true love. Maybe I’m damaged..


Will I ever meet my prince? I really don’t want to settle for less, I find Mc Wolfenstein adorable but is that everything? He’s a wolf and I’m a vampire, how can the two possibly work?






All these takes me back to Kwazi, maybe he’s my choice of reference because I’ve never really been with somebody that long before and after, it’s been 4 official months with Mc W, that’s half the time I was with Kwazi; at some point in our really messed up relationship, he went cold, like Mc W is doing right now, became an ass and I was the one trying to be there for him with no appreciation, think I eventually got tired and he stopped acting like I’d always be there, or something…don’t quite remember the details but it worked out and in the end he couldn’t live without me, it was a little too late by that time, too much shit in too short a period, I knew I deserved better, problem is, what is better? Is Mc W that? Is my prince waiting for the right time to come sweep me off my feet or will I find him at the bottom of a Mojito glass?


All the sadness aside, now that we are friends with no benefits, we spend more time talking about stuff we never really used to talk about, maybe the sexual energy has been channelled into other things but it’s not all bad, when he’s not being an ass we talk and laugh and actually have a great time.


I’m getting a tattoo, it’s about time I got no. 2, maybe at the base of my neck..